Rants far and wide

I had applied for one of the few leadership positions in our school back in December. Other than a confirmation that my boss had gotten the application, I didn't hear anything further of it. Last week, I had my evaluation talk with her. She told me that she'd gotten several applications for the position and that they'd chosen someone else. Fair enough.

Today I heard that she'd been lying to my face. Indeed, other people had applied for the job, but none of them had heard back from her, either. Instead, she asked another colleague last week whether he'd be willing to do the job. He promptly refused.

Unfortunately, that's the climate at work at the moment. Interstingly, I honestly didn't mind when she told me she'd chosen someone else, but I did get upset for a minute or two when I heard that shed had lied to me - is that the example a boss should set? Anyway, I'll be going back to focussing on my students and minding my own business again - perhaps she'll forget my name again

(2nd rant in a week

I'm afraid I'm going to get to initiate and nobody's going to want me as an apprentice. I'm so afraid of it that it's making it hard for me to do my last IP lessons.

But my social skills aren't even good enough for me to visit the chat room for more than 2 minutes unless there is a sermon happening. I freak out because people talk to me and run

Can you just stop popping up at **** o'clock at night and tromping loudly through the house after wading in perfume and keeping me from sleeping? How inconsidera--oh, wait. I remember who I'm talking to.

Increasingly sure I have sleep apnea. Vader breathing mask every single night of my life, here I come.

What is even wrong with my social skills? Something must be because there is literally no way for me to NOT get myself backed into a corner, even when I make it abundantly clear (or it seems like it SHOULD be... I must not be as good at being non-subtle as I think) that I'm feeling cornered. This is why I can't ever make friends. I'm just not meant for it. Any little thing can set off a trigger that makes me dump EVERYTHING and run, and I ALWAYS end up feeling like a trapped animal. I just shouldn't even try.

Still, it's very frustrating when it's only obvious to me, apparently, that this is happening. Because I sit there showing ALL my signals of being overwhelmed and uncomfortable, and only too late realize NONE of those signals are even registering, because they're too subtle, because I've been trained my entire life not to show blunt force of will. Including protecting myself or telling people to back off. So what seems obvious to me is actually tiny noises of vague discomfort that are apparently really easy to ignore. Again and again. Every time I meet someone. I just need to stop meeting people. It's too much, and I can't handle it. Every new chance at friendship that ends with self-sabotage makes me more bitter, more frightful, more panicky, and more jaded.

And then there's the very quiet voice in me that whispers maybe I WAS obvious enough and my signals were simply ignored. Maybe I'm doing a perfectly fine job and I've just got something written on my face that screams 'disrespect my wishes.' That's even more frightening. Yay PTSD.

Carli wrote: What is even wrong with my social skills? Something must be because there is literally no way for me to NOT get myself backed into a corner, even when I make it abundantly clear (or it seems like it SHOULD be... I must not be as good at being non-subtle as I think) that I'm feeling cornered. This is why I can't ever make friends. I'm just not meant for it. Any little thing can set off a trigger that makes me dump EVERYTHING and run, and I ALWAYS end up feeling like a trapped animal. I just shouldn't even try.

Still, it's very frustrating when it's only obvious to me, apparently, that this is happening. Because I sit there showing ALL my signals of being overwhelmed and uncomfortable, and only too late realize NONE of those signals are even registering, because they're too subtle, because I've been trained my entire life not to show blunt force of will. Including protecting myself or telling people to back off. So what seems obvious to me is actually tiny noises of vague discomfort that are apparently really easy to ignore. Again and again. Every time I meet someone. I just need to stop meeting people. It's too much, and I can't handle it. Every new chance at friendship that ends with self-sabotage makes me more bitter, more frightful, more panicky, and more jaded.

And then there's the very quiet voice in me that whispers maybe I WAS obvious enough and my signals were simply ignored. Maybe I'm doing a perfectly fine job and I've just got something written on my face that screams 'disrespect my wishes.' That's even more frightening. Yay PTSD.

it takes time to adjust to society.....when i was discharged i experienced a good bit of "culture shock" as has every veteran....it's just something that takes time and effort. how long and how much effort varies from person to person, but it can be overcome. it's just one more obstacle to tackle on the confidence course of life.

Just a reminder to not respond directly to rants here.
I'm sure, if it was necessary, a PM would be an acceptable option.

Why do you keep popping up the "chat support" window 50 gazillion times after I say "no thank you"....

And why do 50% of your pages load in blank. I can't change the account things I need to change without these pages working right. Why does the final account balance not show like... half of what I'm telling it to show? What gives?

I don't want to deal with pushy salespeople -.-

At least I can say it's not my internet... Just your site.

#firstworldproblems

I do not cry easily.
But your poor leadership, your refusal to acknowledge what input you've previously given, your tone and word choice, your quick and angry gestures, your accusatory manner, your ignorance of whom you've taught what, your expectation for perfection in new territory, your condemnation of both asking questions AND of NOT asking without any hint as to when is appropriate for each, your demanding attitude, your lack of encouragement, your inability to give positive reinforcement, and your disrespect for those you work with... together, you've managed to make me cry.
And that is an accomplishment I will remember you for. You are not a leader. You do not deserve the position you hold. You are a well-paid bully.

I'm a moth attracted to the flame. What ca I do?