What to do with anger?

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28 May 2014 16:32 #148328 by Pedroky
What to do with anger? was created by Pedroky
I have problems with anger, I feel it, sometimes I contain myself, and problems with expression. I search for some kind of people who seem good to talk to, don't talk with anyone. Lately I have felt depressed because I 'm hiding my feelings when they aren't good. What do the Masters advise in this situation? Thank you

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28 May 2014 16:39 #148331 by Wescli Wardest
I don’t know what the masters would advise… but I am always willing to offer an opinion. :D

I hear that talking things out can be good for the individual and that it is more important to find the cause of the problem then addressing the symptoms. As in the symptoms will care for themselves as the underlying cause is dealt with.

Me, when I get frustrated (before I get angry) I like to tinker. Build stuff. Be active with my hands and give my mind the opportunity to release what troubles it. I like having hobbies. :D

Monastic Order of Knights
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28 May 2014 17:17 #148334 by SilverWolf
Replied by SilverWolf on topic What to do with anger?
I am famous for trying to be the tough guy, that thinks I can handle anything. When something bothers me I just try to push it back and bottle it up inside and say "it's ok" or "i'm fine" or "don't worry about it" even though it really bothers me. After awhile of keeping it bottled up inside, and more things happening that bother me, I finally explode. I explode by getting mad and yelling. I have had some stuff in my life that has me being treated unfairly and would make anyone mad, and I have had to bottle it up for what I thought was for "the greater good, to keep the peace".WRONG all it did was hurt me internally with stress and keep me angry, angry at the situation, at myself and blaming myself for letting it happen, and feeling hurt inside. It spiraled out of control, and I started having anxiety attack pains. I now meditate twice a day, listen to music I enjoy ( for me it is either native american flute music or the soundtracks of Star Wars) and I go for walks and think about the positive blessings in my life: My friends, my son, the fact I am still breathing and living, My extended family at TOTJO. I still have the anxiety attacks, but not as often as I did, and I am letting go slowly of the anger I felt. I still get fustrated, when my son does something bad, what parent doesn't?.However, I am doing better on that too. Dealing with Anger isn't easy, it takes work....You need to find things that you enjoy that give you joy and focus on those. If you have a girfriend or wife and you guys fight, think about is this fight really worth it? and despite you being angry, remember the love you feel for her. I know it sounds weird, but it does help. If you keep positive thoughts in your heart and head when your world is falling apart, it does help keep your anger controlled. I am by no means a Master of anything, including myself...and I don't think that even with the title of Master I will truly be a Master of myself because we are forever learning and teaching about something, so if we are doing that...we truly are not mastering anything, just always learning new concepts of how to live the best we can.
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28 May 2014 17:44 #148338 by Brian
Replied by Brian on topic What to do with anger?
For myself, I have had problems with anxiety, anger and depression. A couple of things really helped me. The first was talk therapy. The second was a 12-step program. But that is just me.

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28 May 2014 20:41 #148358 by mdk
Replied by mdk on topic What to do with anger?
Hi Pedroky,
I'm going to tell you what was once told me :
see your anger
recognize it
let it go away

It can be a base to meditate. It allows me to regain control on myself, understand why I lost it, and stop being angry and go to talk peacefully with the one I argued with. Well, It don't avoid to be angry again, bu who could ? I suppose even the Dalaï Lama blow his top sometimes. It's a work of years (a life maybe).

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28 May 2014 21:06 - 28 May 2014 21:10 #148367 by tzb
Replied by tzb on topic What to do with anger?
I think anger is a lot like depression... some people are angry for a reason, and other people have a tendency to get angry irrespective of their situation, or are more irritable than they feel is really appropriate. I'm one of the latter people.

One of the things that helped me was to imagine anger like a leaky bucket. Little things trickle into the bucket and gradually it fills to the point of overflowing, but if you notice it filling up, you can take yourself somewhere calm and let it drain away.

There's this idea that if you're angry you must express it or you'll explode... and that's just not the case. Especially if you have a problem with anger; it's better to learn some coping strategies, even just getting yourself out of a situation rather than "blow up". The anger will dissipate, go away and you will be calmer again.

So that would be my recommendation for the first step, learn to recognise you're getting angry and know you can go away for as long as you need, and come back calmer. Explain to those in your life (while calm) that because you know you have a tendency to get more angry than is really appropriate, you've decided it's better to walk away in that situation than fight. And that getting yourself out of the situation is always, always better than having a hurtful and embarrassing outburst.

Some books I've found helpful: Overcoming Anger and Irritability by William Davies, and Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames by Thich Nhat Hanh.

Long-term, meditation and CBT are both very valuable tools in becoming more aware of yourself and gaining more self-control. I'm certainly no angel now, but I'm a hell of a lot better than I used to be.

Good luck, and may the Force be with you. :)
Last edit: 28 May 2014 21:10 by tzb.

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28 May 2014 22:36 #148382 by Ben
Replied by Ben on topic What to do with anger?
Similarly to what Wescli was talking about, I like to try to observe emotions from a distance.

When feeling anger we tend to focus on the person, object or situation that is the source of our frustration. We concentrate on blame - "Jim is being so rude to me!" or "The internet is running so slowly!"

As long as we keep the focus outward, we reinforce the feeling that the universe is being unfair to us and it keeps the anger bubbling.

Ideally (and it's obviously much easier said than done when in the heat of the moment) I like to focus inwards on my own reaction - ask myself "Why does that bother me?" and identify my personal insecurities that act as triggers for the anger.

Sometimes it really helps me to understand that I don't need to be angry, and at that point, the anger becomes much more of a choice.
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29 May 2014 00:59 #148395 by RyuJin
Replied by RyuJin on topic What to do with anger?
Ah, anger.....something I'm good with....don't ignore it, don't act on it...accept it, harness it, redirect it....bend it to your will...ignoring it causes health issues, acting on it causes social/legal issues. Harnessing it and redirecting it (giving it focus) gives you strength....at a price though....often physical...I find that a heavy bag works wonders for unleashing maximum anger with minimal harm,while also giving a good workout....for release of most angers/aggravation I find taking a deep breath and saying "fah kit" while exhaling works well...

Warning: Spoiler! [ Click to expand ]

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J.L.Lawson,Master Knight, M.div, Eastern Studies S.I.G. Advisor (Formerly Known as the Buddhist Rite)
Former Masters: GM Kana Seiko Haruki , Br.John
Current Apprentices: Baru
Former Apprentices:Adhara(knight), Zenchi (knight)
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29 May 2014 02:30 #148413 by Connor L.
Replied by Connor L. on topic What to do with anger?
"How much more dangerous the consequences of anger are than the causes." - Marcus Aurelius.

Picture yourself a Roman Emperor. You are a commander of an army in the middle of a war. All around you, you see pain, death, despair, and hopelessness. You know it is caused by unhappiness. You know that people are just waging war because of their egos. And... you get pissed about it. You have anger about it. Marcus writes this:

"Tell yourself, when you feel upset and fed up, that human life is transient and only lasts a moment; it won’t be long before we’ll all have been laid to rest. Get rid of this, make a decision to quit thinking of things as insulting, and your anger immediately disappears. How do you get rid of these thoughts? By realising that you’ve not really been harmed by their actions. Moreover, unless genuine harm to your soul is all that worries you, you’ll wind up being guilty of all sorts of offences against other people yourself."

What does he mean by "You've not really been harmed". It sure hurt when my ex girlfriend dumped me. I was messed up for a LONG time. No joke. But, really, I've come to see that the emotions I had attached to her stayed attached to her. And that was a revelation for me. When we assign emotions to people, and those emotions are ripped from us, we are unhappy.

For example, with my mom. I love my mother. And, I assign the emotion of amor to her. When she dies, I'm going to have a hard time unless I remember that the emotion is attached to her. I have assigned my mom: "Love". And, when she dies, will I still love her? Yes. Will I be able to express it in the same way? No.

To keep from being hurt and messed up by my emotions, I just realize that the love I gave her was worth it all in itself. It does not have to continue forever, and it doesn't have to stay the same forever. My feelings that I've assigned to her can morph. They can go from amor to grieving to memory to love all over again. I have to accept this cycle... and then I can move on with my life and go with the present moment.

What Marcus is meaning behind his words is something similar... We are never really hurt. We always have the capacity to be the best we can be. At ANY time. Even before and after death. In the face of hurt, we can be good. After running a mile, we can run another mile. It might kill us, but it's within the realm of possibility.

This is kind of a Stoic idea. When life wants to destroy you, as it does every moment because change is inevitable, you can either stand there and be the best you can be anyway... or you can allow the waves of change to drown you in the sorrows of the past.

Anger is always a product of the past. It is impossible to be angry and in the moment at the same time. Why? Because it requires you to give away some of your awareness for unbridled passion. It is like when Anakin choked Padme. As the Emperor said: "I'm afraid in your anger... you killed her."

To be the best person you can be in the face of pain? That requires constant training of the mind, body, and soul.

My suggestion is as follows:
1. Meditate, every day.
2. Cut out foods that raise your blood pressure/sugar. (For example, sodas).
3. Get plenty of sleep.
4. Exercise frequently.

Here's my reasoning. If you meditate every day, you will learn to control your mind. You will be able to shape its focus. Meaning, when you might be tempted to get angry, you might have more choice in the matter.

If you eat a lot of sugar, you will be cranky. A lot. I know, I have a 2 year old nephew. My parents give him sugar, and he gets really emotional every time. You'd think they'd catch on...

If you sleep enough, you will be centered more easily. Also, sleep regularly and get a 30 minute rest/nap in every afternoon.

And, if you exert energy through exercise, it is much easier to not get excitable when faced with stimulating problems.

:)

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29 May 2014 13:01 #148456 by Pedroky
Replied by Pedroky on topic What to do with anger?
Thank you for your adices! I will not repress anger, I will defeat it with meditation, fighting the ego, exercise and good nutricion.

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