Gerald's Joke Thread

One out of four people is mentally unbalanced,
think of three of your closest friends…
If they seem okay,
then you’re the one.

Some people are like slinkies,
they don’t have a purpose,
But they still bring a smile to your face,
When you push them down the stairs.

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch,
\"Who's on first?\" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking
about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm
sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue \"W\".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue \"w\" if you don't start with some
straight answers! OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?


ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.


COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your
business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT : Real One.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can

I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I
do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue \"1\".

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue \"1\".

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue \"w\"?

ABBOTT: The blue \"1\" is Real One and the blue \"W\" is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there are three words in \"office for windows\"!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty

much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of
Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping?
You have anything I can track my money with?


ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money..

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)...

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. May I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on \"START\"...

You know what I realized, the parents who let Santa into their homes are irresponsible. They let a fat guy, who's face is red from being drunk, covered in fur and soot into their homes. Just because he says he has something for their kids.

this goes with my last post

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, 'Would you care to do it again?'
He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you crap on its head

HELLO. AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????

This may or may not have been posted before.

101 Ways To Annoy People
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write \"for sensual massage.\"

3. Specify that your drive-through order is \"to go.\"

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of \"Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip...\"

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. l weather conditions \"to keep them tuned up.\"

16. Reply to everything someone says with \"that's what YOU think.\"

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your \"astronaut training.\"

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for \"violating your airspace\".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a \"real hoot.\"

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and \"cc:\" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a \"spider person.\"

26. Finish all your sentences with the words \"in accordance with the prophesy.\"

27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and \"accidentally\" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you \"like it that way.\"

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a \"croaking\" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of \"Sweating to the Oldies\" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with \"ooh la la!\"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write \"X - BURIED TREASURE\" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: \"Do you hear that?\" \"What?\" \"Never mind, its gone now.\"

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as \"Conquistador.\"

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing \"Jingle Bells, Batman smells\" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says \"Magnificent One.\"

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce \"no, wait, I messed it up,\" and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off \"in case the big one comes\".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as \"Feliz Navidad\", the Archies \"Sugar\" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to \"AaJohn Aaaaasmith\" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each \"a.\"

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your \"superior mental processing.\"

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant \"swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!\"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your \"imaginary friend.\"

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about \"psychological profiles.\"

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a \"magic picture.\"

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate \"crop circles\" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend \"tricorder,\" and \"scan\" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

This was in my e-mail box this morning...

-In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about an old Jew who had been going
to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She goes to the Western Wall and there he is!
She watches him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she
approaches him for an interview.

\"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the
Western Wall and praying?\"

\"For about 50 years.\"

\"50 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?\"

\"I pray for peace between the Jews and the Arabs. I pray for all the hatred
to stop and I pray for our children to grow up in safety and friendship.\"

\"How do you feel after doing this for 50 years?\"

\"Like I'm talking to a f*****' wall.\"

Hahaha! Sounds all too familiar.