Gerald's Joke Thread

It was early morning at an Army camp and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:

“Ames”
“Here!”

“Jenson”
“Here!”

“Jones”
“Here!”

“Magersky”
“Here!”

“Seeback”
” — ”

“Seeback!”
” — ”

“SEEBACK!!!”
” — ”

At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant’s ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.

Nothing against the french, the girl does however.

The first one is so bad - it's almost good

(another version but a bit racist is - how do you keep an (insert ntaionality here) busy?

Write PTO on both sides of a sheet of paper

MTFBWY - A

The Dog's Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

The Cat's Diary

Day 983 of My Captivity

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a \"good little hunter\" I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of \"allergies.\" I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now ...

Lol, cat diary was great.
but here, this picture is the best Joke of all

We all feel like this from time to time.

This former Hooters waitress sued the restaurant where she used to work, saying she was promised a new Toyota for winning a beer sales contest. She said she was blind folded and led to the parking lot to see her prize. When the blindfold came off she found she had won a new toy Yoda.

Forget Rednecks,

Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Canucks!!!!

1. If your local Dairy Queen is closed from
September through May,

You may live in Canada.

2. If someone in a Home Depot store
Offers you assistance and they don't even work there,

You may live in Canada.
** Guilty **

3. If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time,

You may live in Canada.

4. If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation
With someone who dialed a wrong number,

You may live in Canada.

5. If 'Vacation' means going anywhere
South of Detroit for the weekend,

You may live in Canada.
** Guilty **

6. If you measure distance in hours,

You may live in Canada.
** I live 10 hours from my parents,
6 hours from my sister-in-law, I have
no idea what the mileage would be **

7. If you know several people
Who have hit a deer more than once,

You may live in Canada.

**I’ve personally hit more than one deer.
Where I grew up many people have hit more than
One in the same year! ** :blink:

8. If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C',
In the same day and then back again,

You may live in Canada.
** Guilty **

9. If you can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of snow,
During a raging blizzard without flinching,

You may live in Canada.
** Guilty **

10. If you install security lights on your house and garage,
But, leave both unlocked,

You may live in Canada.
** Guilty, I even leave the cars unlocked, and the keys
in my snowmobile and lawn tractor **

11. If you carry jumpers in your car,
And your wife knows how to use them,

You may live in Canada.
** Guilty, oh and a tow rope too eh! **

12. If you design your kid's Halloween costume,
To fit over a snowsuit,

You may live in Canada.
** Guilty **

13. If the speed limit on the highway is 80 km,
You're going 90 and everybody is passing you,

You may live in Canada.

14. If driving is better in the winter,
because the potholes are filled with snow,

You may live in Canada.
** Yep **

15. If you know all 4 seasons:
Almost Winter, Winter, Still Winter,
And Road Construction,

You may live in Canada.
** Yep **

16. If you have more miles
On your snow blower than your car,

You may live in Canada.
** Guilty **

17. If you find 2 degrees 'only a little chilly',

You may live in Canada .
** Guilty **

If can you actually understand these jokes,
you definitely live in Canada !


Well I’m guilty or answered yep to 13 of the 17…
But, with no.1 our DQ doesn’t close, nothing better
than ice cream after skiing while window shopping
on Main St. in 2 deg. F weather. – gotta love it!
and no.13 see my answer for no.9 – self explanatory

No matter where you live - MTFBWUA :woohoo:

Its seems like most things that would make a TucsonNan mad dont really bother you.Well if you can put up with such cold weather than what the heck does bother you right?

I love number 12 LawL

Awww its only about 6-7 months of the year so its not too bad...