Seeking guidance - Daughter's high school choice

Greetings Jedi Parents, I come in the need of guidance.

I have an eleven year old daughter who's recently become friends with three girls who are two years her senior. They are in the last year of elementary and constantly discussing their High Schools of choice. I suppose my daughter didn't want to be left out and started thinking about her own future and, while she's usually mature beyond her years, what she told me last night scared me senseless. Despite all the horror stories I've told her of what went on around me during my teenage years, she wants to attend a dangerous school.

She said she wants to go take the entrance exams for the same Elite High School I went to... and I'd be honoured if only it weren't such a horrendous idea. First of all, it's a very politicalized school, with different associations walking into a classroom in the middle of a lecture to tell you why you should vote for them, thus cutting the lecture short even when they're revising for an important exam! And teachers aren't allowed to stop this. They brainwash students as young as thirteen years old to skip school and go to strikes whenever one defending a raped child (or any other cause causing a strike) is organized. I'm all about stopping those atrocities but not at the cost of education and minors shouldn't attend strikes unsupervised. They are hardly a place for children! Strikes here in Argentina often involve the police gassing the crowds or hitting them at will and they get very violent. Don't believe me? Google it. Children in that school are pressured into joining those strikes and heavily ridiculed if they decide to stay away from politics which, as a best case scenario is sad in and on itself.

Secondly, twenty years ago, eating disorders, smoking, heavy drinking and drug use was rampant in that school and I'm not talking about not the occasional joint but heavy drugs. These are very competitive schools, the best in Argentina, and students use performance enhancer drugs to make deadlines without much sleep, they also use cocaine and heroin to cope when things don't go well, and pop pills in parties for fun. It's a mess! And I know there's drug abuse in just about all schools here but the rates are what scare me. Back when I studied there, only 5 out of 35 students abstained from all the above. Had I known things would be like that, I would have chosen a different school for myself, since not willing to take part in any of that I was cast aside and led a very solitary life. And that was two decades ago. Things now are even worse. It's not a good place to study, let alone make friends. And, when I asked my daughter why she wanted to study there, rather than saying "because it's academically fantastic" she said "because my school is too shielded and I want to meet other kind of people". And I thought "WHAT kind of people? Junkies!?"

I need to talk to her about this but I don't even know where to start and although I won't allow her to study there (there's a reason she's a minor and I'm her dad), I don't want to come across as a dictatorial jerk. I'd like for her to understand that going to that school would be dangerous and that not allowing her to take those entrance exams is a way of looking out for her. Don't know how to do that. She's not a rebellious kid but I wouldn't want to jinx it either.

Any advice is more than welcome.

I'm not a parent, but I was an 11 year old girl once. I recommend just being honest about your concerns, but do it prepared to go through with her what other options there are for her to choose. If you just say no and shut her down with no other options presented she might feel that you just don't care about her opinion.

Hey Eskel!

So I'm not a parent either, however I feel that maybe attempting to look at this through a dialectical lens could help? There has to be a middle path here for both you and your daughter ya know? Our world isn't so black and white, however the danger you're talking about is very real and I feel for you and love that you're so fiercely protective and loving of your daughter! I'm wondering what a just down to earth conversation might look like, where like Knight Edan said, you're honest and radically genuine with her about your concerns? It sounds like you guys have an awesome relationship, and while she might be upset at first, perhaps she'll understand. Also that's where that "middle path" solution could come in, and maybe you guys come to a collaboration on a better option, as opposed to a compromise where one of you guys has to give up ground and feels slighted?

-David

Hello Eskel. Eleven is a difficult age , i have a 10 years old girl and a 12 years old who i home school, i know the challenges and it is definitely not simple. Of course like you said in the end it is up to you to make the decision. I see that you are a bit worried about how she will see you , i ve the same feeling sometime but i know in the end my kids will be glad i kept them away from some real troubles. I often tell my kids that i m not their friend, i am their dad. Sound mean maybe but there is a difference. Still we re extremely close as we re 24/7 together. Facing problem or difficult questions i like to brain storm with them, ask them questions until they see the big picture by them self, some time i will ask them to make research, my son likes to go on deep search and work on projects that could take weeks. In the case of that school there must be enough news to find so that she could find out by her self. For us parents talking is not enough, we have to make our kids make the brain gym them self to find out the truth and in the end she might say : oh that school isnt as i thought it was. In the case she is following her friends no matter what , well you will have to make the hard choice, some day she will see it her self and say: thanks dad , thank god i didnt go there. Any time you want to talk you can PM me
May the Force be with you

This is a tough situation. I am lucky that I have a 10 year-old here in the US and high school is well off his mind. Now, I was a teacher once upon my life and I have my concerns about every school (our system here is a joke). But I would echo Edan here. Give her an honest recollection of your experience and lay out alternatives. Often when we want someone to choose an alternate path than they are considering we do not lay out the alternatives well. I think that's the best place to start. Otherwise IMHO, she is still young enough that the time between now and then will feel like an eternity. I hope this helps a bit.

Much Love,
Kobos

At that age, if I were your daughter I wouldn’t take your experience as reflective of the experience I would have. It’s not a knock against you, its just the trend- pre-adolescents and adolescents prefer peer experience.

There’s also the geo-political gap. Take my mother’s generation as an example. They were going to school when Desegregation was taking place. But by my school years the brunt of backlash on the matter was gone. A multi-cultural classroom was accepted and even celebrated in the schools I attended.

What would have appealed to my senses is current events surrounding the school. Be open about your concerns, but have evidence that your concerns are still taking place when you approach her about it.

Thank you all for sharing your views and your advice.

I do want to talk to her and try to find a solution collaboratively, as we usually do, but I'm scared that sharing my fears and my experience would only make her more set on that path since she said she wanted to meet "people who are different from her current classmates, less shielded" and her classmates are really healthy kids. If I told her of my school mate who ODed or the girl who took her own life because she was failing too many courses, or that if sorted into the night shift she'd be going to school from 6pm to 11pm in a neighbourhood where a young woman shouldn't be walking alone at night, let alone a girl, then she might romanticize it and think that's exactly what she wants. My best friend went to that school as well and she agrees it's no place for our daughters, regardless of the fact we met there. Truth is the only reason we became friends is we were the only two kids who didn't do drugs, for we had nothing else in common.

A part of me wants to just let it be and hope it will be long forgotten by the time she needs to make that decision, but what if it backfires? What if I miss this opportunity to talk about it with her? I believe in preventive problem solving when possible rather than putting out fires in the nick of time. And yet, I fear that if I make a big deal out of this, she might sense it and want it all the more. Like I said, she's not rebellious but is entering adolescence so this might be the one time she rebels. Being an avid reader and dorky pen and paper RPG player, her wanting to meet "the cool kids out there" who do dangerous stuff took me completely off guard. Being an honor student, if she had said she wanted to go there for the academics I wouldn't have considered so out of character as to worry. It's the wanting to meet this kind of people what makes me cringe.

I wonder whether it'd be wise to inquire about her reasons for wanting to meet that sort of people before exploring other school options with her. It's so out of character I can't give it a rest.

Eskel wrote: Greetings Jedi Parents, I come in the need of guidance.

I have an eleven year old daughter who's recently become friends with three girls who are two years her senior. They are in the last year of elementary and constantly discussing their High Schools of choice. I suppose my daughter didn't want to be left out and started thinking about her own future and, while she's usually mature beyond her years, what she told me last night scared me senseless. Despite all the horror stories I've told her of what went on around me during my teenage years, she wants to attend a dangerous school.

She said she wants to go take the entrance exams for the same Elite High School I went to... and I'd be honoured if only it weren't such a horrendous idea. First of all, it's a very politicalized school, with different associations walking into a classroom in the middle of a lecture to tell you why you should vote for them, thus cutting the lecture short even when they're revising for an important exam! And teachers aren't allowed to stop this. They brainwash students as young as thirteen years old to skip school and go to strikes whenever one defending a raped child (or any other cause causing a strike) is organized. I'm all about stopping those atrocities but not at the cost of education and minors shouldn't attend strikes unsupervised. They are hardly a place for children! Strikes here in Argentina often involve the police gassing the crowds or hitting them at will and they get very violent. Don't believe me? Google it. Children in that school are pressured into joining those strikes and heavily ridiculed if they decide to stay away from politics which, as a best case scenario is sad in and on itself.

Secondly, twenty years ago, eating disorders, smoking, heavy drinking and drug use was rampant in that school and I'm not talking about not the occasional joint but heavy drugs. These are very competitive schools, the best in Argentina, and students use performance enhancer drugs to make deadlines without much sleep, they also use cocaine and heroin to cope when things don't go well, and pop pills in parties for fun. It's a mess! And I know there's drug abuse in just about all schools here but the rates are what scare me. Back when I studied there, only 5 out of 35 students abstained from all the above. Had I known things would be like that, I would have chosen a different school for myself, since not willing to take part in any of that I was cast aside and led a very solitary life. And that was two decades ago. Things now are even worse. It's not a good place to study, let alone make friends. And, when I asked my daughter why she wanted to study there, rather than saying "because it's academically fantastic" she said "because my school is too shielded and I want to meet other kind of people". And I thought "WHAT kind of people? Junkies!?"

I need to talk to her about this but I don't even know where to start and although I won't allow her to study there (there's a reason she's a minor and I'm her dad), I don't want to come across as a dictatorial jerk. I'd like for her to understand that going to that school would be dangerous and that not allowing her to take those entrance exams is a way of looking out for her. Don't know how to do that. She's not a rebellious kid but I wouldn't want to jinx it either.

Any advice is more than welcome.

Pastor Carlos here- Father of many lol

Thank you for sharing your concerns and a part of your path here. No parent can ever tell any parent which direction they should go. I will not. Every parent must make their own choices as to the care and the bringing up of their own children. For me, this is truly a gift from the Force itself and I treat it as such. That all being said...

I grew up in the bad schools. I grew up in the bad neighborhoods. I grew up lawless and ZERO respect for anything besides my own two fist and what I had in my pockets. I no longer dwell in that space or time or even ideas. NOPE.
I homeschool my kids. It took about a year to figure out the actual schedule and the actual curriculum we chose but now, I will never see fit to send my children to any public school. I am not against public schools at all. No I am not, but I will tell you this for real- If you read to your children - it may create a want to educate them, more.

Talk to your kid. Oh friend - talk to your kids about everything. My friend if I could give real advice it is to talk to your family more... period. Open the door always. I can not tell you how many times good communication helps a family "MISS" a few bad things that wouldn't not normally stick around if there were secrets.
In the end it is Y'ALL's choice. It is my choice to give my 8 year old son MORE than what I had and MORE opportunities to make better choices. I can not thank you enough - every one for continuing to share with one another here in this small part of the Temple.

In the end, make educated choices. I didn't know I could educate my own son till I looked into it.



I would have killed to have a dad like you and I would have FLIPPED MY LID if I had a dad like me, yet I now can give a good balance to my own and others.

* I will tell you this in secret, I aint the brightest crayon in the box if ya know what I mean but if a guy like me can, ANYONE can. It is even to the point that it has become fairly easy for us to begin our traveling time and do school and score in the top ten percent.

RECOMENDATIONS:

Take a active approach to your children's education. (No matter the availability , one percent more is so much more) You are already there as are so many now! No one cant tell you you can not. Keep on! It does me so much good to know there are family's out there that care about each other and themselves. Keep the communication door open as often as you can and grease the hinges if ya need to! I can not wait till my 3 year old is old enough for me to take her out to a movie and show her how people are to act at a theater. No one ever told me. My kids know now.

Rhetorical Randy says ---What do your kids know now that you didnt? Hmmmm

Many Blessings your way to you and your family and may the Force be with you and your O'HANA

.

A family cant always be a democracy: sometimes parents just have to be in charge. Honest truth: I wouldnt send someone else's child to a school I felt that way about, much less would I ever send one of my own.

I would just say 'no', and handle every objection to that 'no', easy with a kid.