Diary of DOOM lol

Greetings each

Had this as an email from a friend. Just changed a few lines to fit it in with myself lol



Dear Diary, For my birthday this year, my kids purchased for me a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I am still in great shape since being a POM for nigh on 10 years in the Army, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Amanda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started.. well who wouldn’t

MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Amanda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek godess with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo Amanda gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring Amanda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week and I know she likes me

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Amanda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Her rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT It's a whole new life for me. *

: WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Amanda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. *
: My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Amanda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Amanda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. Shee said some other shit too. *

THURSDAY: Madam Sadist was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes. Shee took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent some skinny bitch to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine-- which I hoped some kind person would torpedo but in the end it sank. *

FRIDAY: I hate that Ober grumpen Furher more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Bitchface wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director? *


: SATURDAY: Bitchface left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with a hammer; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.. *

: SUNDAY: I'm having my master pick me up for services today so I can go and give blessings to KIthat this week is over. I will also pray that next year my kids will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal filling or opera performance. I still say if KI had wanted me to be a contortionist , he would have sprinkled the floor with bottles of beer

Yours in Humours Budo

Mike