Sometimes I feel this way

Just got this in an email from a friend and thought I would share.

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. (my favorite...)

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.


These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

1. \"You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.\"

2. \"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.\"

3. \"If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.\"

4. \"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.\"

5. \"Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.\" (LOVE IT)

6. \"You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?\" (MY FAVORITE)

7. \"Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?\"

8. \"Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.\"

9. \"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?\"

10. \"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.\"

11. \"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.\"

12. \"In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC.\" ( National Crime Information Center )

13. \"Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?\"

14. \"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.\"

15. \"I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.\"

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. \"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here.\"

love the teacher ones :woohoo:
some of them were real prize winners.....only in nyc can you find such brutal honesty running rampant...

When I read this, it hurt bad laughing, so here is a few more of the things that are documented. This was sent to me from a friend...enjoy!!

UPS Airlines
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one... a reassurance to those who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a \"gripe sheet\", which tells the mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then the pilots review the gripe sheet before the next flight.

Never let it be said that the ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked by \"P\") and the solutions (marked by \"S\") by maintenance engineers. By the way, UPS is the only major airline the has never had an accident.

P. Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S. Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P. Test flight OK, except auto-landing very rough.
S. Auto-landing not installed on this aircraft.

P. Something loose in cockpit.
S. Something tightened in cockpit.

P. Dead bugs on windshield.
S. Live bugs on back-order.

P. Auto-pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200ft per minute descent...
S. Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P. Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S. Evidence removed.

P. DME volume unblievably loud.
S. DME volume reset to more believable level.

P. Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S. That's what friction locks are for.

P. IFF in-operative on OFF mode.
S. IFF always in-operative in OFF mode.

P. Suspected crack in windshield.
S. Suspect you're right.

P. Number 3 engine missing.
S. Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P. Aircraft handles funny.
S. Aircraft warned to straighten up and fly right and be serious.

P. Target radar hums.
S. Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P. Mouse in cokpit.
S. Cat installed.

P. Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S. Took hammer away from midget.

So, when you have turned onto the runway and are cleared for take off...

:laugh: :woohoo: awesome...

My boss took away the humor in our office..... he said, \"this is official, what if someone read those wisecracks?\"

I told him people would see we enjoy our work and have a good sense of humor...

He said, \"No more\"...

Damn grouches... I am glad some folks still believe that a sense of humor is important in this world.....

Your boss must be brother to my boss, the humor is to come from him, but the funny thing...we have many pictures up around in the offices and lobby area of erotica, and scantily dressed women... go figure.
Humor is so very important, keeps away the dull and listless, and can bring a twinkle to you eyes and a spring in your step.

i couldn't work someplace without laughter, work is monotonous enough...without being able to joke and laugh it would just be unbearable.

Oh, after rereading my post, I think I don't think it came out like I wanted it too... I still get to be verbally funny, we all do....

But nothing written on any official form... (I do work for a small government entity...) No official stance on humor... might offend someone....

Yes Alegria, his humor is the funniest (so he thinks... lol, he is KINDA funny)

No erotica, or scantily clad women, or men.... Again, government really frowns on those too... lol...