Georgia Crematorium Blames Jesus for Littering the Grounds with the Dead
\"The Lord Jesus told us that the dead would bury the dead. Well, from the looks of things, they didn't do a very good job.\"
(NOBLE, GEORGIA) Ray Brent Marsh, 28, operator of the crematory where hundreds of dead bodies have been found told police yesterday: \"We were just obeying the Lord Jesus. At Matthew 8:22 He commanded that we 'Let the dead bury the dead' and, frankly, we didn't want to interfere.\" The fact that the dead apparently performed their duties of disposing of their deceased brethren in such a lackadaisical manner, Mr. March claimed, bespeaks of an appalling inattention to duty that should not be imputed to the living.
In condemning the indolence of the North Georgia departed, Governor Roy Barnes told a news conference: \"We in Georgia pride ourselves in the diligence of our workforce. It is unfortunate that a few lazy corpses can give everyone a bad name. I'm sure many of these slapdash dead folks call themselves Christians and should strive to be Christ-like. Well, I have news for them: Jesus didn't let a death get in the way of getting up and doing stuff.\"
Billy Hendricks, owner of Dahlonega Drive-thru Funeral Home said, \"I have had several calls today from irate folks who want their money back on cremations. Well, I'm here to tell you that it ain't going to happen. I've talked this over with our funeral parlor's lawyers. The cremation agreement only provides that each of the loved ones will be burned. It don't say how or where. Knowing how most of these wicked folks lived their lives and how much the Blessed Lord can't stand most of us, it is almost certain that all of them are currently burning in hot and relentless flames of a sulfurous Hell as we speak. So, we have more than fulfilled our contractual obligations. No refunds. No exceptions.\"
Church of God pastor Joshua Snake defended the owners of the crematory. \"We take the Lord's Word very seriously in these here parts of Georgia, my friend. Unless He asks us to do something inconvenient, we don't ever question the Word of God. If the Lord's inerrant Word tells us that the dead have it in them to bury the dead, it would be blasphemous for Christians not to give them a chance to do just that. If they are so selfish and idle that they won't do as Jesus commanded, then that is between them and the fiery pits of an eternal Hell – not the local police department. Jesus told us that it is the responsibility of folks who have passed on to clear up their own mess. Yes, it appears that the dead didn't do a very good job of following through on something Jesus had specifically delegated for them to do, but dead folks are notoriously unreliable. To be honest, after this little episode, my opinion of dead people has really suffered.\"
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