Anger Management

So here is my problem. I have anger issues, severe anger issues actually. I'm one of those people that tends to bottle things up, when it gets loose it usually spells bad news for those around me. I need to learn to control it, barring actual anger management sessions. I know everyone gets angry, it happens, it's part of this world but when you start pushing away the people you love that's when you have a real problem. I don't want to go to anger management because I don't think my insurance pays for it and I don't make enough to provide for my family and do the sessions. I know I need to find a way but it's hard when you make just enough to pay bills, after overtime. Any advice on how you deal with your personal anger is appreciated. Anything I can learn takes me one step closer to managing my temper. Baby steps are often times the best.

I've never done an anger management session, so I can't talk about them. But as far as I can see, you need to tailor it to your needs. What makes you angry? Remove it from your life, if it can be removed.

Minimise worries. Don't take on things which add unnecessary stress. Take a new approach to things. If something doesn't really matter, don't LET it matter. Control is the name of the game. Be patient. Take a second, exhale, inhale, exhale. Don't let anger rule you.

I don't know if this will work, Trose, but I do have a thought. To frame this properly, I first need to share a story about someone whom I once knew personally.

Many years ago, this person had a problem with both alcohol and rage, and of course indulging in one often led to indulging in the other. The most frequent target of his outbursts was his wife, and for several years their marriage was brutal. After enduring the abuse for a very long time, she finally left him. I'd estimate between his first violent attack and the beginning of the divorce, about five or six years had elapsed. While possessed of a strong temper, he also had human vulnerabilities, and the breakup was agonizing for him.

Within a year or two, he remarried. In his new marriage, his behavior was better for awhile, but during one particular argument he hit his new wife (fortunately not causing lasting damage). She responded much differently than his first wife, and let him know in no uncertain terms that if he ever did that again, even once, she'd leave immediately. Her strategy worked; he never lashed out again.

What had to happen to curb at least the expression of his extreme anger (though whether its actual presence diminished I do not know) was the clear threat of losing something important to him. In his first marriage, that threat was not so clear, especially after he'd lashed out a time or two and then had things return to normal for awhile. Once it was clear there would be significant consequences to his behavior, he found the ability to change his behavior. That's not the same as changing the feeling, but at least it's a start.

And, as you can see, even in his first marriage the consequences eventually manifested. It just took a longer time.

The same will be true for you, which I'm sure you know. The tolerance of some people is greater than others, but nobody's tolerance for that sort of thing is infinite. What you may need is some way of making those consequences seem real right in those moments when anger starts to overcome you, so your incentive to avoid lashing out can quickly be diminished.

For that, I'd suggest trying a technique that's reminiscent of Neurolinguistic Programming (about which I am not an expert, or even an advocate - but I think it might help in this situation). As close as you can to once each day, take a few minutes to be alone. Imagine yourself in a situation where you are angry as best you can, and (most importantly!) adopt a physical posture that is characteristic for you when anger begins to control your actions. Perhaps you clench your fists, or wave your arms, or hunch forward, or your facial expression changes. Almost certainly there will be muscles that tense up. Get into that physical posture, and while you hold it in these moments when the anger is just an act, think vividly of what your anger could cause you to lose. Perhaps it would be closeness to a family member, or an employment situation, or a friendship, or something else (or all of these in combination). Spend at least a full minute in the angry posture, concentrating on these things and the sense of loss they will cause you to feel. Then - let it go. Shake out your hands, do a few neck rolls, walk in place for a few seconds, and turn to something lighter. But do this each day that you can.

What can happen is that your inner mind begins to associate that angry posture with loss, instead of conquest or release or whatever the association is now. That may lead you to more quickly turn away from explosive behavior, when a time comes that real anger starts to arise in you.

No guarantees, but - this suggestion at least can't hurt, and it's free.

I hope this is of some help, and that some other useful advice shows up here too. May the Force be with you.

In my youth, I had a very bad temper. I would not physically hurt people but break things. After having broken enough stuff in my life I realized that I needed to change myself. The problem is that we often do not know how or what the real issue is that triggers our emotional outbreak. It was my luck that I had friends and a girlfriend at the time that pointed out when and what the triggers were.

You may not be able to do this alone and by you asking here is a sign of your committment to change. Seek out your trusted friends and or family members and have this conversation with them. Ask them to help you identify your issues and investigate control methods. Do I still get angry...most definately, but it is controlled and measured.

What works for me may not work for you so I will not go into detail about what I did. It is for you to learn your own mind and to seek out control methods that work for you. I have attached some websites that may help in your quest to free yourself from the excess anger that boils over into the lives of others.

You must remember this, You Do Not Have The Right To Enter Into Someone Elses Life Unless Invited! Whether it be to talk, the love, to punish of inflict harm. Everyone has the the rights to their own body and therefore may sue another if harm is inflicted upon them.

A mantra to repeat to yourself...

Do unto others that which you would have done to yourself!

Websites:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/anger-management/MH00102
http://www.anger-management-techniques.org/
http://www.angermanagementgroups.com/Skills.html

I want to thank you all for the help and for any whom post after this I find it to be a great help and release to just talk about it but the advice is astounding and eye opening. I will take your words to heart and try the methods listed so far. I have never been physical with anyone out of anger, and I refuse to get to the point where I no longer have control and fly off in a blind rage. It is my hope that your advice will show me a route to controlling this before I lose all that is precious to me. Again thank you, and May the Force be With You All

not so long ago i would become wrath incarnate, i'd smash and destroy anything around me, and had no friends or allies :evil: ...all were targets for the blind rage...even those that were trying to help me...talking to me was pointless as i couldn't even speak...just grunt, growl, etc...fully feral, sometimes i wouldn't even stand upright, instead "pouncing" at my targets and just outright being more animal than person...over time i learned to channel and redirect this part of me...it's still there, it just doesn't take over as easily...i found that having a punching bag helped greatly...an actual punching bag, not some poor fool that just happened by :laugh:

of course what works for one may not work for all...fortunately for you, there are plenty of people able and willing to offer aid, and you sought out methods to learn control...you will overcome this, it just takes effort

You said "baby steps"...

This is what worked for me, well, Im not 'cured', but I no longer lash out in anger as often, so sometimes, we have to take our victories as we have them...

Not looking for the "result", but looking for the "way", checking on your path...

Trying to catch yourself before you explode takes practice...

Right now, reading this, it is easy to not get angry...

In traffic, behind some guy who just cut you off is a little harder...

But how else are you to practice? You can only practice it when the opportunity presents itself...

Just like you cant practice playing the piano, without a piano...

If, after you are mad, you start saying, "ugh, why did I act like that" You are ready...

Now, try to get faster on your reaction of not getting mad... Next time, instead of yelling WTF, you might catch it with WT...heck is the matter with him....

Each progrssive step, is still a step in the positive direction... And if you slip, and blow up, forgive yourself, and double up your efforts...

Sounds easy to write, and read... And trust me, I do know how hard it is to implement...

I still yell at those people who are in my way when I am late...:whistle:

Maybe try asking your self WHY certain things make you angry? Dive deep down and ask why does it make me angry when so and so says this or does that? Finding the root of the matter can sometimes be helpful, especially when you find out that maybe it's not that big of deal or that it's fixable/understandable.

One thing I've found helpful is realizing other people's actions and words aren't personal. Just because they're angry or upset doesn't mean I have to be. Remember the emotions you came in with and don't let other people's energy cloud your own (unless everyone's happy and having fun...that kind of energy is pretty good.)

I've been through several types of therapy through out my life for various reasons and found that self-help books/workbooks are the most helpful thing for me. I found one called The Anger Busting Workbook . I'm sure you would be able to find a long list of similar books, if you are interested.

May the Force be with you, Trose. Good luck

I will look into those work books isn't know they existed. What type of punching bag heavy or speed? Thanks again for all the support makes me feel much better about all this

Speaking as someone with a temper myself, and I actually was required to attend anger management when I was in the fifth grade, I've learned a few tricks. I can't promise they would work for you but they may at least give you food for thought.

First, begin to ask yourself "why?" When you start to become angry, just stop for a second (difficult, I know, but what in life is easy?) and ask yourself "why am I angry about this?" If you can't justify your anger to yourself then just try to let it go. Stop thinking about what made you angry. Stop reacting on instinct and emotion and choose your response. Stop yourself early before the anger builds up momentum.

If that doesn't work, or there is a valid reason to be angry, then ask yourself "what am I about to do and what will be the consequences?" Again, the goal is to wrench your mind away from the immediate moment to try and use the knowledge of what will happen bring you back under control.

Also, I recommend meditation. Sitting, standing, Zen, void, single point, I don't care what actual type. Find one and practice it. The benefits of meditation are considerable and they include a calmer mind, more even-tilted emotions, mental clarity, self-knowledge and relaxation. The thing with meditation, though, is that it takes time to get good at and see any real results and it is something that has to be kept up with. It's long term maintenance for the mind and emotions.

The other suggestions of mine are more like first aid for in the heat of the moment. In my own personal experience I can say that frequent( re: daily) meditation on my part, coupled with staying vigilantly aware of my emotions and reactions reduced my anger problems from "barely restraining violent rage over trivial offenses" to "muttering under my breath in annoyance".

Good luck, and May the Force be with You.

Trose wrote: I will look into those work books isn't know they existed. What type of punching bag heavy or speed? Thanks again for all the support makes me feel much better about all this

i used a 100 pound heavy bag....until i destroyed it...they don't make them like they used to :laugh:

I will try to focus on those thoughts might work. A good heavy bag it is. Thank you

First, the credentials...I am a diagnosed Borderline Personality, but mostly untreated. However, I have been thru anger management twice. Once was voluntary and I quit going because the anger management therapist was making me angry. The other was court ordered following a child abuse charge against my oldest son.

Now, the "meat".

I have seen alot of "control" based advise listed here. That's all well and good, but you can't gain control of it if you can't recognize it before the "outburst". Jestor offers wonderful advice for learning to recognize anger outbursts before they happen. I used traffic as well. My approach was slightly different tho. I used the "serenity prayer" (from various 12 step programs), and created the mantra: "Serenity, Courage, Wisdom"; which I repeat to myself anytime I start to feel the all too familiar "overwhelming" sensation of anger rising. It is good to remember that you cannot control other people, only yourself. So, while no amount of you yelling at, or following and beating, the jerk that cut you off in traffic will actually change anything (because you can't control his behavior), you can react differently to it (try laughing at the idiots...because they are there to entertain you ). And that's the mantra in practice, really. Serenity to accept the things you cannot change, the other person's behavior. Courage to change the things you can, your reactions and behaviors. Wisdom to know the difference, which really only amounts to recognizing the outburst before it happens, and acting to curb it. If you can get to a point of recognizing an outburst "brewing", and see that it is nothing more than your controllable reaction to an uncontrollable situation, then I'd say you've mastered the "wisdom" portion of the mantra.

That's all well and good for strangers, in other cars, but how do you deal with angry outbursts against friends and family, who are face to face with you at the time?

The best things to remember are:
1) Cognizance - Simply being aware of your emotional state, not nearly as easy as it sounds (especially for one who is not fully emotionally "healthy" to start with), but it can be done. If you learn to recognize what anger feels like as it's building, you'll learn to "warn" yourself when you initially feel it; instead of having to wait till the explosion and say "yep, that was anger alright." It is also good to keep in mind that your friends and family love you and don't want to hurt you, so when they make you angry you can virtually guarantee it is accidental.
2) Communication - Once you can recognize that you're feeling angry before it hits the overwhelming "outburst" point, you can begin to address that anger with the person who is most directly responsible for "causing" it. That communication can often defuse the situation before it becomes another regret. The only goal of the communication is to address that <whatever> has made/is making you angry, and gives you the opportunity to express that anger in a "healthy" way, and allows the other person an opportunity to re-state their position which can eliminate misunderstandings, which are one of the leading causes of angry responses.
3) Good Health - Anger in and of itself is not unhealthy. Anger is a normal emotion in the normal human emotional range. As such, it should not be stifled or bottled up, that leads to outbursts. Allow yourself to feel the anger, express your anger as it arises (in healthy ways such as communication), and let it go in the natural course. Don't hold onto anger, that is unhealthy and serves only to hurt and stunt you emotionally. Allow it to come, but more importantly, allow it to go. It would be just as unhealthy to hold onto fear or hate or even love. All emotions (positive or negative) should be felt in their time and allowed to pass. In the event of positive emotions, ideally, you don't have to hold onto the feeling to keep experiencing it. Hopefully, you love your wife/kids/friends/family, actively, which means several times per day you feel the love for them, let it happen (or wash over you if you prefer), and let it go. Then it comes again, and provides you the illusion that it never left. If your anger works like that, then you might want to examine what it is that you are remaining angry with or about, and take steps to remove that thing from your life. If it's your job, find a new one. I know how difficult that can be, but nothing ever changes so long as we just sit around whining about it all day. Meaning: if you don't look for a new job, you'll never find a new job. If it's a friend or family member, or your wife, talk about it. That person will either be willing to explore options and alternatives because they never meant to make you feel that way in the first place, or they should be "culled from the herd". If it's your kid(s), have a talk with your wife, she's supposed to be your partner and should be willing/able to help you mitigate the negativity you're feeling toward your kids.

I have seen responses that suggest you "control your anger thru fear" type methods. I have a few problems with that. First, the "control" being suggested there is actually a form of denial of your anger rather than actual self-control. You can't stop feeling angry, trying will only lead to frustration, and greater anger. Also, "consequences" in this context is only "fear of loss"...you cannot successfully control a negative emotion by using another negative emotion. What is being suggested there is to use your fear of loss to remove your anger...in what way is that healthy? How will that not lead to greater anger issues? How will that not lead to other, "greater" emotional issues in general? You are being asked to condition yourself to be afraid of being angry...

I'm sorry, maybe that "works" for some people...I just see it as Firebombing your yard to stop the neighbor's dog from pooping there tho. Yes, it might work, but in the attempt you'll acquire bigger problems than what you were trying to fix in the first place.