single parent with a partner

I know my subject is confusing but that is my life, my wife live a life of her own in the middle of our family, we have 2 kids 3 with her previous but she s not participating at our daily life. She make things worse as she can be abusive, sometime violant, loud etc. I ve been patient as much as i could so far, i never argued back for the sake of the kids, i ve never use violence to fight her violence, i do all i can to give the right exemple to my kids. BUT some time i wonder how and where can i find more patience and strength, i do not have family anywhere close to me at less than 10 000 km so i take it all on my self. I do try to practice meditation, i do yoga and tai-chi but i find it hard this days to quiet my mind. I know there isnt any quick and easy solution, but that is it, some time it gets really hard going. Recently i m getting a bit more angry than usual and i m worried that it is becoming a thing! One thing is really hard is that seen my wife takes a lot of my patience i end up needing more patience with the kids. Sound bad doesnt it ?

There are things in life that are hard and just suck. Unfortunately. How we chose to respond to them is what makes us who we are.

It sounds like you're already working hard on this and the fact that you're aware and trying to find better ways to manage yourself is commendable. Its a great example to you children too.

Because you're already taking action, and its just about finding what works for you personally, I'd like to offer you this.

Have compassion for yourself too. You're making the effort and it sounds like you're judging yourself pretty harshly for getting angry. Instead of trying to add another new thing to try control your anger, try understanding it better and deciding how you want to act even when you're angry.

And don't forget that you're human.

Sometimes its still going to be hard and feel crappy. Sometimes even though you're working on it, you're still going to have moments where you're impatient or get angry.

That's just life.

True mastery of your feelings comes from really understanding yourself and then choosing how you act, even when you have the difficult feelings.. And you're probably doing better than you think!

I lived through a somewhat similar situation. She, not I, diagnosed herself as having BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I felt like I was constantly cleaning up broken glass from a lamp she seemed to love throwing on the floor, as if my children didn't walk on the carpet, I was mentally abused with harsh language and insults, hit and even bitten. I literally had to physically restrain her a few times until she could calm down. That was about 10 years ago.

I bring this up, not to compare stories, but rather to say that you're not alone in your experiences, and anytime you need to reach out to someone who understands, I'm here for you.

I now have a decent relationship with this same person and I was forced to work on it and forgive and even help her many times financially in spite of our history because she is the mother of my children (2 bio, 1 step). So I'm also an example of how things can get better. And even still... it is just that things are far more improved.

Gaining distance from her is a good thing. Sometimes we try to stick things out or try to repair in order to try to one day get back together, and sometimes our desire to do this is bigger than ourselves and our own needs because we're thinking about our children and what kind of home we want to provide for them. But it is more important to provide stability and sanity for them. I wasn't able to do that while I was with their mom; even when we were just roommates and she had her own room down the hall.

Her symptoms of BPD were triggered because of abandonment issues and probably other things that had nothing to do with me. You don't sound like you're blaming yourself which is good; because you shouldn't.

It's possible that your "partner" may have some kind of mental health condition aggravating her behavior towards you. Maybe not. But if there is, I'm not saying you should try to diagnose her or have her diagnosed, but if it makes sense to you to do so, it doesn't hurt to read up on several conditions. For a long time that we were together, I simply didn't know how to handle her. I was walking on eggshells and trying to diffuse conversations like she was an IED. And even when I thought I was being careful, she would find new ways to twist what I was saying and it always felt like a battle against a Sith.

Once she told me "BPD" I found a book that seemed to explain everything.

It is called "Stop Walking on Eggshells"
https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901

quote: Do you feel manipulated, controlled, or lied to? Are you the focus of intense, violent, and irrational rages? Do you feel you are 'walking on eggshells to avoid the next confrontation?

If the answer is 'yes,' someone you care about may have borderline personality disorder (BPD). Stop Walking on Eggshells has already helped nearly half a million people with friends and family members suffering from BPD understand this destructive disorder, set boundaries, and help their loved ones stop relying on dangerous BPD behaviors.
- end quote-

Again... I'm not a doctor and this is not an attempt to diagnose. But until this book I was contributing, unintentionally, to these rages because I didn't know how to communicate with her successfully. That struggle taught me a lot about the value of communication. So part of what you're looking for, beyond strength and patience which are both very admirable and beneficial no matter what, I also recommend focusing on new communication strategies.

What you're going through is not easy. And I know there are days that feel like your own personal hell. But things can get better and that is my hope for you. But you're in the right place. This is a supportive community.

Thank you for your kindness and your quick answer

Thank you for sharing, i ve realized few years ago that i was not the reasons for her attitude, i call it mirror talking, she looks at me but what she really does is talking to her self. Now the walking on eggshells i ve used that expression my self and i heard about the book, i do have to find it. Somehow she has made progress, she is on a journey of self discovery but she as well ware a mask so it is difficult to tell. She has less anger, an extremely needy attitude has took it s place. It is hard to explain but i ve seen my self loosing patience and having difficulties to take her constant demands. Anyway Thank you again for your quick answer, if you want to share i would totally be up to it.

Vincent Causse wrote: I know my subject is confusing but that is my life, my wife live a life of her own in the middle of our family, we have 2 kids 3 with her previous but she s not participating at our daily life. She make things worse as she can be abusive, sometime violant, loud etc. I ve been patient as much as i could so far, i never argued back for the sake of the kids, i ve never use violence to fight her violence, i do all i can to give the right exemple to my kids. BUT some time i wonder how and where can i find more patience and strength, i do not have family anywhere close to me at less than 10 000 km so i take it all on my self. I do try to practice meditation, i do yoga and tai-chi but i find it hard this days to quiet my mind. I know there isnt any quick and easy solution, but that is it, some time it gets really hard going. Recently i m getting a bit more angry than usual and i m worried that it is becoming a thing! One thing is really hard is that seen my wife takes a lot of my patience i end up needing more patience with the kids. Sound bad doesnt it ?

Vincent Causse wrote: I know my subject is confusing but that is my life, my wife live a life of her own in the middle of our family, we have 2 kids 3 with her previous but she s not participating at our daily life. She make things worse as she can be abusive, sometime violant, loud etc. I ve been patient as much as i could so far, i never argued back for the sake of the kids, i ve never use violence to fight her violence, i do all i can to give the right exemple to my kids. BUT some time i wonder how and where can i find more patience and strength, i do not have family anywhere close to me at less than 10 000 km so i take it all on my self. I do try to practice meditation, i do yoga and tai-chi but i find it hard this days to quiet my mind. I know there isnt any quick and easy solution, but that is it, some time it gets really hard going. Recently i m getting a bit more angry than usual and i m worried that it is becoming a thing! One thing is really hard is that seen my wife takes a lot of my patience i end up needing more patience with the kids. Sound bad doesnt it ?

Thank you for sharing. At any time if you ever need professional help, please seek it as we here in the TEMPLE are not licensed anything. All we do is share here, as you have shared.
Pastor Carlos here, I am bad at relationships. I am getting better from practice. One of the things I have learned, first hand, is sometimes things try us so our loved ones or those in our circle can see it's possible. Who better to show grace than us some days, The Modern day Jedi. Who better some days to show that forgiveness is possible.. in the real world or even better REDEMPTION than The Jedi? The Modern day Ones. Does it get, taxing and heavy in real life, you bet. Thats what good council and friends are for.
https://www.templeofthejediorder.org/family-resources/family-resource-forum

Here is a new section, feel free to use and discuss there as well. Continue to be YOU. Thats all any one can really ask from any one.
If I can be of any service, please feel free to call on me.
May the Force contnue to be with you friend.