Unable to stop my anger.

Hello, I was just wondering how other members of the temple dealt with their anger. I seem to be able to stop it from affecting my actions. When I do get reallyangry about something I always pause before I act or say anything to go over the best options in my head. But I always seem to choose the worst option. I know I shouldn't say or do what I do but I seem to be unable to stop myself. While I'm doing or saying what I do I'm screaming at myself in my head top stop before I go to far. I never seem to listen.

Anger has a habit of affecting our decisions, and as such, it's important that we learn how best to deal with it.

I wouldn't suggest "stopping" your anger, necessarily, because that might make things bad in a different direction--kind of like trying to put your hands up to stop a train. Instead, perhaps you could try to focus on examining your anger while you're angry; look at it, figure out where it's coming from. See what it wants. Sometimes we're angry because we're hurt ("Anger is sadness acting out...") and sometimes we're angry because we have needs that aren't being met, and sometimes we're angry for reasons that don't make sense at all.

I find that taking a bit of time to question your anger, interrogate it (rather than just waiting until you're calm to make decisions) tends to take a bit of the fight out of it. Maybe we should treat anger as a child--instead of punishing it, try to understand what it's attempting to communicate. Perhaps there's a solution there.

Steamboat28 is very right I feel, I too have suffered from down right ferocious anger issues, I am not proud of it nor ashamed.
I have my own ways of dealing with it now and I find that most people who struggle with it must find what suits them but incase it benefits you I will try to explain what helps me. (I hope you don't mind me listing the points)

1, I really believe this is something that takes practice, and yes it can reduce with age. Practicing restraint in other things such as not eating too unhealthily, or not playing games till unearthly hours (I am guilty ) will help you to deal with holding back that overpowering urge to react.

2, Know that this is very human and a normal response for many people, do not be angry at yourself for being angry.
A lot of people have certain experiences that never really leave their sub-conscious, often times when we are angry we open the floodgates to all our past stresses and negativity and this really helps to tip us over the mark into seething anger. I have found that confronting and dealing with past issues has helped my anger issues greatly. I had a talk therapist for a while as I needed to verbalise the things, perhaps it would be something to consider if you feel it would help.

3, Slow down, and learn to take things in a more relaxed frame of mind. Know that anger never really achieves anything apart from causing more anger down the line. It takes time and is by no means easy but it is very possible to *re-train* the way you react when you become angry.
These days I can question my reaction and how it would affect others if I was to go off on a rage, and normally just the power of doubting that it will achieve anything good for myself or others, fizzles the heat down.

The way I learned to do this was just trial and error, I tried like Steamboat28 said, stopping it, however it just made it worse, like a kid wanting a toy desperately, if you straight up tell them no they will generally be very upset and angry, but if you
re-direct their attention it will distract them. So I re-direct my thinking pattern to the consequences of an angry outburst, and knowing it will upset people around me almost forces me as such to stay calm. It gets better with time aswell, the more you manage to succesfully overcome it the easier it will be the next time around.

I really hope this helps you, I am sure though that one way or another you WILL find what works for you and I wish you good luck. If you need someone to talk to I am always around

Blessings to you

Tricky question, but remember some decisions always look bad in hindsight.

If you get the chance look at why you decided the apparent best course of action over another actual best course of action... because if you can identify that you were aware of the actual best decision before hand but are choosing the wrong one, then perhaps you could isolate what made you choose the apparent over the actual.

A real world analogy might be say for example when flying an aircraft, you have a dial which tells you how fast your moving. What it actually does is tell you how fast your moving through the air.... which is accurate to your ground speed when your on the ground, but as soon as you start going higher it becomes less and less accurate to ground speed. So its called an indicated speed, because its accuracy is conditional upon ones height its only indicative of part of the picture.

A pilot has to calculate their 'True Airspeed' (TAS), which really represents how fast they are moving over the land, from both the Indicated Airspeed (IAS) together with the air density at whatever height above the ground they are at. Not including wind, which goes a step further and produces 'Ground Speed' (GS).

The key point here is that the higher you go, say the more emotional you are, then the speed indicated more and more represents only where you are at while emotional, and not where you need to understand it - which perhaps is in a broader context removed from the present moment confrontational context. In that flying and navigational context, its in regards to how much dirt is actually passing underneath you. So as you get angrier you might find your priorities for decision making are becoming perhaps detached from other sources, maybe as it depends on your own circumstances. But in which case I'd be trying to let go of anger, and to do that I instead contemplate the fragility and sacred nature of life and how easy it is for loss of control to end up a long way away from where you actually want to be.

That all assumes cessation of the aggravation, and it gets harder when your under active duress... which then yea I'd be channeling anger away from being 'reactionary' and instead focus on understanding their intentions and reserving important decisions until I have more time. Though sometimes you gotta make decisions under duress, and the most useful tool I've found for that is to have given the scenario some pre-thought and planning. It does not have to be a complete solution, but a partial strategy can reduce the demand on you enough to re-orientate your resources for the unexpected.

Greetings.

I suffer with this issue as well due to PTSD. We need small amounts of anger in order to function it is one of the main emotions this one of which resides in the present. I have found my Rage is not mood dependent and can kick off usually over something pretty minor. I do think it can depend on the level of stress you may be experiencing or holding in your body at any given time. IE you may well be in a good mood but if the stress level internally is still bubbling then that can trigger it off.

I have to take time out during the day and use breathing techniques to calm the mind and body. I also have some prayer beads which I carry in my car. I just roll them in my hand and it helps to sooth.

The soda bottle shaken up is a good example of what happens to us..If we dont release the pressure we will explode. There are several calming strategies which may help you have to find one that works for you as we are all different.

I wish you well my friend and hope you find a way of dealing with it

I don't have much to add. My fiance suffers from a lot of anger; his therapist told him that many times anger is a cover for other emotions. Emotions like fear, worry, frustration.. And that to overcome anger you need to identify what you're really feeling and work on that understanding and dealing with those emotions first.

"Anger is more useful than despair" - Terminator
"Anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering." - Master Yoda

Anger is motivation, but submission to it without contemplation makes you a puppet to the Dark Side. Acknowledge it, and examine it in meditative calm. Breathe. Do not hold on to it.

"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." - Buddha

"Anger is a gift" - Zach De La Rocha

It's usefulness or destructive potential lies in how it is used. It can be the catalyst for necessary change, but unrestrained it can be possess you like a demon and lead to devastation.

“The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.” - Sun Tzu
"There is no instance of a nation benefiting from prolonged warfare." - Sun Tzu

The sooner you overcome the neurochemicals released by this emotion, the sooner you free yourself from it's danger, and the sooner you can find the wisdom within it's signal. Like pain, it exists to get your attention. It is an injury to be healed and a lesson to be learnt.

Bàn Sionnach wrote: ... do not be angry at yourself for being angry.

This is very important. Negative feedback loops are the spiral that transform a manageable breeze into a destructive tornado. Accept your emotion, contemplate the sources and the solutions. Avoid frustration where required changes are not within your power. Use it as a lesson to improve your ability to make the changes or avoid similar situations in future.

If you find yourself within a spiral, I've found that visualisation can help. In my youth we had a small circular above ground pool, which if you ran around the edges would create a vortex. The challenge became turning around, standing firm and spreading my body out to stop the whirlpool. Running against it was tiring and not much more effective, so becoming as a rock in it's path was the way to still the water. With practice of this visualisation, becoming a rock will become instinctive and the spin will lose momentum before it has a chance to sweep you away. Stand firm. Eventually by being anchored in the stream, rough edges become smoother, and your ability to direct and deflect the Force of the stream will improve. This can also be applied to mitigate manic spirals, when the flow reverses direction.

I completely agree with you Edan - although for me its all about just one thing: Fear. If I examine my feelings (as Steamboat and Ban suggest) when I'm tense, stressed, angry, frustrated, greedy, it all comes back to a fear of something. The fear of missing out, not getting something, giving the wrong impression, making a mistake, or not making an "optimum" choice. A big one is fear of success - that's a fear that I spend alot of time pretending I don't have. In any case, the fear arises normally because I'm holding on too tight, I've become too attached to an outcome.

It's ok to be fearful if something is a big deal, its ok to be fearful over something trivial. Once I realise that its actually fear (not anger, frustration, stress, greed etc) I tend to regain a little perspective. I'm not dealing with a whole host of negative emotions - I'm just dealing with one. I can then tell whether the situation is worth the fear or not.

The reality is that we don't really know whats best for us (or anyone else) most of the time. We have incomplete information to make truly informed choices, maybe because we're deluded, but often because that information simply isn't available - there is much we cannot know.

Not that I'm the slightest bit qualified to comment andyhaynes but it sounds to me like you're very nearly there. You've identified a problem, you're seeking advice - try isolating the fear next time. If its isolated it won't be able to stick to anything.

Apologies - I got a bit preachy at the end there . . .

Thank you very much everyone for all the advice.

The tricky thing about anger is that it is empowering, in a way, and thus, addicting.

In my own experience, when I've finally lost my temper and gotten loud and belligerent, starting breaking things, etc., I've always felt that adrenaline rush that comes along with it. You start to realize your own destructive ability, and how much you can possibly destroy in a very short amount of time. It makes you feel powerful, and perhaps even godlike-- and it's difficult to give up. After awhile, you wake up each morning itching for a fight. You begin to wish that someone would give you a reason to get angry, because you love the feel of that adrenaline rush so much.

It's practically another form of drug addiction.

I was able to start controlling my anger when it got so bad that I couldn't remember what I was angry about, or exactly what all had happened after I lost my temper. It would all blur together, until I calmed down and realized that I was standing (or sitting) in the middle of an entire room that I had destroyed out of anger.

I began to realize that it was only a matter of time before I did something that I would regret to someone that I cared about, and that it would never be reversible. It would happen during one of these "blackouts", in sheer anger, and I would have to live with it for the rest of my life.

It's been nearly fifteen years since I used to get angry like that. I've calmed down a lot, and I'm proud to say that I have not let it get control of me like that, ever again. I'm not sure how much of this applies to what you've experienced or what you're going through, but I sincerely hope that it helps.