I need guidance

Hi (and I apologize if this is in the wrong section)

Let me give you the background to my problem before I describe the actual problem.

I am currently doing an Erasmus exchange in Ireland. I am renting a room, living with a host family consisting of a mother and her son. The son is 21 years old and works as a DJ at clubs from time to time and he goes out a lot.

I'm 23 myself, but I never really liked going to clubs, I prefer home-parties and even then I keep drinking to a minimum.

After 2 months to my exchange the mother came to me, asking for a favor. She told me she's worried about her son, since he didn't come home to sleep last night (he does that some times) and he doesn't pick up his phone. He goes out about 4-5 times per week, usually coming home around 5 am and then sleeping to 1-2 pm.

She asked me to speak to him, and tell him that she's worried, can't sleep etc. She's basically asking me to give him a moral speech, which I feel uncomfortable with, considering that I'm only 2 years older. On one hand I understand how she feels, and I would really love to help her, but on the other hand I feel like it's not my place to intervene.

I'm really confused, and don't know what I should do here, I'm not sure what's right and what's wrong. I would appreciate it if you could offer your opinions, and help me out.

Thank you in advance

What is the relationship between your "brother" and you?

Close, OK, distant?

Erasmus Exchange!

Very cool.

Go ahead and have a conversation. It only needs to include what you want to talk about. Talk about anything...or nothing in particular, but certainly not a 'morality speech'. Your hostess was mistaken in asking you to do that. But worried mothers will use any 'tool' available when it concerns their children. In her request, she has put you into the familial equation - it is a triangle - and she has allied you with her, but she wants you to align with her son. Being friendly to your hostess and her son is practical and politic. When she asks if you have spoken to her son you can say 'yes' but decline to give details because your friendship and the contents of your conversations are personal, between you and him, and she might respect the virtue of protecting confidentiality. Be aware that she might attempt further manipulations.

When you next speak, ask him questions regarding his interests, for example, his music or his style of DJ, what his hopes and dreams are. Just a couple of guys chatting it up. Let him talk. Listen. Perhaps one day you might ask to accompany him to one of his gigs. You don't have to stay long or even drink. Perhaps one day you might invite him to accompany you on some outing. Trust takes time and cannot be imposed or rushed; neither is it a forgone conclusion.

Good luck.

May the Force be with you.

Tough situation to be put in. I echo Alan's comments, that I would absolutely have a conversation with him, but one to understand his perspective as much as anything. Perhaps you can mediate a little but you're definitely not in any position to give a moral speech to him. If nothing else you're essentially a guest in his home and you could create more tension by doing this than not.

I'm not sure what the mum hopes to achieve with this conversation... how she can honestly expect your repeating her concerns to stop behaviour which seems pretty engrained and essentially has nothing to do with you anyway. Perhaps that would be a worthwhile conversation, asking the mum what she really expects to achieve. Does she want more insight? Reassurances he's not taking drugs etc?

If you do not feel comfortable, then it could be that you are seeing it as a "mission" given to you from the mother.

It doesn't have to be. Instead of seeing it as a moralising conversation (age difference really doesn't matter), telling the son what he is doing is somehow wrong or even letting him know that his behaviour is distressing his mother (he probably already knows that), just talk to him as you normally would : express interest in how he feels, without justifying or condemning.

We rarely get very far with the "you should/shouldn't ..." approach. What does he feel about what he is doing ? What is he really doing ?

As for the mother, what exactly is she worried about ? What he is really doing (the going out and coming in late), or what she imagines he is doing ?

Now, you see -- you don't have to do anything very actively herein. And the "conversation" is not a once-off thing ; it takes place over the course of your presence in this family. Attentive listening and understanding are the principal elements - no justifying or condemning. Everyone has to come to one's own realisations.

Moreover, you aren't responsible for 'changing' anyone. If things continue going on like they have, it isn't your fault. It is just the way it is ...

Honestly, I wouldn't give him a moral lecture. It's best that the interactions of this type stay between the mother and son to minimize conflict. Firstly, before anything else, talk with the mother again and tell her that you'll let her son know her concerns, but that you'll try getting the son to speak to her. If/when the son does come to speak to her, as Alex suggested, there should be listening without judgment or condemning. I'd ask her to use that tactic so that she can connect better with her son. Once she understands, speak with the son about his mother's concerns and that you shouldn't be in the middle of it as it's a family matter and that he should speak to her as soon as he can to get it resolved. The only way it's going to get resolved is if they are talking with each other and withhold judgment until all is said and done. Even after everything, they need to be talking to resolve mental conflicts, as well. In the end, I think it would benefit their relationship and minimize resentment.

Just my suggestion. No need to follow it if it doesn't resonate with your style. Good luck and may the Force be with you.

I'm really happy to see that so many of you took time to help me out with this!

Thank you all very much, I now have a better idea of how I should handle this. I will try to subtly talk the son into having a talk with his mother.

And to answer Jestor's question, I would say we are between OK and distant, mostly because he's rarely around and we are simply too different in general. I usually get along with basically anyone, and I get along with him fine, but I don't feel the kind of connection that formed almost instantly with some of my friends from the Erasmus group.

I suppose the mother thinks we are closer than we are, and kinda hopes that I would have a positive impact on him (which again, since we are so different would be difficult).

Allow me to add my own warped perspective to this thread . It sounds like poor sap has fallen for the classic nightclub scam. The way it works is they get young men to believe that they can meet women by going to nightclubs and buying overpriced drinks. Then they hire a couple beautiful actresses to fake interest in these saps and get them to buy some drinks.

Anyway he probably just needs some female companionship and knowledge about the scam. Take him down to the red light district and show him the proper way to pay for companionship.

Whyte Horse wrote: Anyway he probably just needs some female companionship and knowledge about the scam. Take him down to the red light district and show him the proper way to pay for companionship.

I’m guessing/hoping that is a jest.

Maybe I am reading it wrong, but it sounds like supporting prostitution… which I would not condone personally.

Yes Wescli...

I believe that Horse is saying that the boy is being a boy...

Some of us go that route...

And that Horse is turning that trial of adulthood, into a "scam"....