The First Year...... Emotion and the Jedi Code

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The First Year..... A Shared Lesson...

Soon it will be the first anniversary of my husband Bob's passing. I have learned and experienced so many things since that day. My open letter to him is beginning to look like the beginnings of a book. There were so many things that have happened or I have had to learn in this new life after our time together. Hospice has been there to guide and support myself and Shannon through all this, knowing full well that the steps would be so much like baby steps for me and the physical, emotional and mental feelings that I would experience would be at times overwhelming for me.

I know that friends with good intentions mean well when they say to get on with my life, but to be honest, it is not as simple as the words sound. Every holiday had it's own set of things that I would have to deal with, just like our anniversary and Bob's birthday as well as mine, Shannon's and Zackary's. And soon, the arrival of Shannon's second baby, Ayden. I tried to be strong and still do, but, even though it does get a little easier, it has been a real tough experience.

Married at 16, I've never really known what it was like to be on my own as an Single Adult. So, being on my own now it is a whole new world for me. I find myself trying to figure out what the next step would be a times, find the things that I use to enjoy to relax or just have \"My\" time is stressful at times when trying to figure out what I want...Read, write, listen to music or wishing I had my Bass guitar that Bob made me give up. After being together for 27 years, all the rough times. hard times, bad times and all the good times is all I have left to remember and hold on to. Dealt with the remarks and comments as well as the looks when it came to the age difference between Bob and I, not as bad as it is today or the nutzy way people look at people being together or approaching to be together when there's an age difference.

There have been the days that the depression and missing him so much, I would just be zapped of all my energy or episodes of just crying that exhausted me. No matter how strong you try to remain, love is really an unfathomable thing. You can't measure it, or try to figure out how deep it is, it's not meant to have boundries.

So, since the first year is almost here, all I can say is this. Don't try to undermine or evaluate what a persons feelings are when they are going through the steps of loss. There are no set rules or steps that are specific when you loose a loved one. There is no set time or how long when one should deal with grief, it's not over night, it's not one month, etc. It comes down to when you in your heart is able to take the next steps.

When writing this, I've taken a step back and looked outside myself and thought about Human emotion and then while watching a litter of wolf-dog cubs we have, I observed emotions in them. They say there are many things that separate humans and animals, but emotions even run in them. I watched the mother and how she is tender yet stern with the cubs. How she mothers them by licking and caressing them. We know they can show pain and sadness, yet when I look into their eyes, my mind tells me there is so much more. Intelligence, inquisitiveness, mischievousness, playfulness and more... We are not the only ones that feel things...

Things that took time to learn and appreciate, yet most of that was with another that is now gone and how I appreciate all of that so much more.

For my Jedi Friends.....
For the Jedi part of this, one may say that I am not following the code, yet I disagree and I will explain why...

The Code I follow is:

There is no Emotion; There is Peace.
There is no Ignorance; There is Knowledge.
There is no Chaos: There is Harmony.
There is no Passion; There is Serenity.
There is no Death; There is the Force.

Being Jedi does not mean you can not feel. Emotions is what is essential in being human. When we loose complete control of our emotions to the point that they dictate or rule everything we do and cannot pull back and restrain ourselves is when that part of the code as a Jedi have failed. In my moments of dealing with grief, it did not get to out of control. Grief allows one to express the loss. Knowing that it is normal to grieve in a world where we do feel things is not a bad thing, nor against the code. We live in a world where we have been brought up as humans with feelings. Even the fictional Jedi had feelings, its how we manifest those feelings and what do in our lives with those reactions.

To say strictly no emotion would be saying Jedi were apathetic, (without emotion). That is not what Jedi are. Emotion is not just sadness or grief or depression, there is happiness, glee, joy, etc. So the Code in general speaks out to the Jedi, reminding he or she that through all these things we experience in life Jedi seek the enlightenment of all, knowing where to draw that line to maintain a balance between all things, but with reverence, respect, knowledge and insight to find that balance in true Peace, continued gaining of Knowledge, to live in Harmony, reactions that are calm and with Serenity and of all things, the never ending balance within the Force for all time....

One can say I showed weakness by my grief of the loss of my husband, maybe so. My only reply that I can make is, as a loving wife of almost 27 years, to not be effected by my husbands death means that I would not have been true to who I am and to experience all the things because of that loss, to grow more each day to be that better person I choose to be.

There are many things as Jedi that are the other unseen things to add to the constant knowledge one seeks.

Ideals Of A Jedi:
1. Respect yourself. Without self-respect, you will never be able to respect anything.
2. Respect life. Life is what gives a Jedi his/her power, therefore it is to be cherished always.
3. Respect others. Respect all those around you, for they are part of the Force. Even enemies are part of the Force.
4. Respect Nature. \"Intelligent life\" is not the only life, and through the Force a Jedi may learn sources of wisdom from many places, not all seen as \"intelligent\"
5. Respect death. Death is part of the Force, since everything happens in cycles. The cycle of one life affects another, that is the way of things. The way of the Force.
6. Respect the Dark Side. He who does not respect his greatest enemy will BECOME his greatest enemy. With respect comes, objectivity, insight, seeing how things are done and how to oppose them quickly and decisively.

Jedi Behavior: (In Brief)

Self-Discipline, Conquer Arrogance, Conquer Overconfidence, Conquer Defeatism, Conquer Stubbornness, Conquer Recklessness, Conquer Curiosity, Conquer Aggression, Responsibility,
Practice Honesty, Honor Your Promises, Honor your Teacher, Honor the Law, Honor Life, Public Service, Duty to the Government, Render Aid, Defend the Weak, Provide Support.

(Ideals & Behavior, These words taken from a lesson by D. M. Thompson, Jedi Master)

Always,

Patty
MTFBWYAAF (May The Force Be With You Always And Forever)