https://youtu.be/M340eIpF7-E
Letting go...
I've recently reached the half way mark in my "100 days of meditation" for one hour. It doesn't quite feel like it's been that long, perhaps I "expected" some grand experience as a result of keeping up with it every morning for this long. Disappointment does not sit well with the ego...
And then I remember how much I have changed in those last fifty days, and the difference although subtile, has been deeply profound. And I continue to change, beyond my expectations. Subtile and yet, so very profound.
As a result of these recent practices, I've awakened to the realization that I had been grasping at life, and rather frantically at that. A desire to accomplish my goals, was creating quite a bit of anxiety when I didn't experience results as quickly as I'd hoped for within the previous year, and this created even more frustration and anxiety as a result. It even permeated down to my art.
It wasn't long before I had began to stagnate, as I attempted to force progress via the will, and upon my psyche as well. I no longer felt comfortable in my own skin, began to spiral emotionally, and self confidence quickly began to wane. Being emotionally attached to my art only worsened matters even more so.
Keeping the hour long meditation practice every morning has reminded me how to just sit, and BE. Instead of grasping, I relearned how to literally let go, of everything, if for even a short period of time each day. I quickly realized I was forcing stress upon myself un needlessly. I was emotionally vested in my obstacles, in little things of no significance to the point I'd react negatively, to even the masks I had adopted as an "identity."
Masks like being White, Male, Single, Straight, Pagan, Artist, and yes, even Jedi. Granted, each one of these are a part of my life, some more so than others, but the emotions attached to each had created a mask, and in doing so began a cycle of stagnation within my psyche, until it choked out all possible growth.
My recent practice of meditation has guided me, instructing me to simply "let go." The ego of course protested, but the fight was in vain, as I realized there was absolutely no value in strongly identifying with any of these masks. Nor was their any benefit to clinging to the stress, that for the most part, was created by false concepts and a lack of understanding. If anything, it all began to effect my health negatively, even to the point I started showing signs of a premature heart attack.
I'm still Caucasian on the outside (last time I checked anyways) still male, still straight, still Pagan, and still a Jedi. The important facets of my life that have added value are still there, I'm just not clinging to them with a death grip as if my life depended on it.
I've learned how to sit, and stop giving a damn about my problems, and those of the world, if just for a short while every morning. It's all there when I open my eyes, the world still continues to turn. There is an immense value is spending a short time every day and teaching yourself to just BE. To just sit, or whatever works. To learn how to let go, completely let go. If it's important, it'll be there when you "return." Promise. If it's not, perhaps it's not that significant after all. But beware Jedi, the ego will play it's game, like a scared toddler sensing the "gig is up."
It will remind you of the bills, the chores, un accomplished goals, and even past hurts. It will play DIRTY, and do it's best to get you emotionally INVESTED, to the point you give in, and give up. The Secret is to persevere, regardless what it throws at you, regardless of the hurt it digs up. Starting out may prove difficult, but stick with it. Sit down with it, and listen, like a parent listens to a toddler. Given enough practice, the ego won't seem so loud, and giving it time to express itself will, sooner or later, relieve much of its fears, until it becomes silent.
