How Does A Jedi Manage Conflict?
Some things are worth repeating. I delivered a similar message to this some years ago focused on decision making. This week, my mind has been on conflict. I’ve had some conflicts and I’ve watched some unfold. Being Jedi doesn’t make us impervious to conflict, it only gives us the tools and the practice to handle it. Here are some things I think might assist us:
We Are Not In Danger
Last week we talked about not making assumptions and taking things personally and the week before we talked about mind reading. We might think we are in a conflict, and not really be. Or we may be in a conflict and not have to be. There is some sort of value judgement to being in a conflict. There are winners and losers, right and wrong. There is something we have to protect. Our reputation, our ideas, our beliefs. These are attachments, are they not? And Jedi are instructed to be wary of them. Not that we should not have them, but that they should not have us.
If we are in conflict, the first question is: why? Not a surface why, but a deep why. What am I trying to protect? I’ve been guilty of trying to protect my ideals, my reputation, my opinions, or just my ego. Can they be damaged though? According to teaching 9, no. Our image cannot be blemished by the words and actions of others. That doesn’t mean that it doesn’t feel like it. Feel like one is in the battle of their lives. Living with an ego, looking at the outside, its natural to feel fear. The goal for the ego is preservation of self. Since we don’t have any idea what “self” actually is, “self” becomes whatever we take on; our ideas, our reputation, our opinions, our beliefs. They give us a sense of solidness in a world that is etherial. When something or someone comes a long and attacks that, it rocks our ego. Our sense of self. But we are not in danger. We are not fighting for our lives. We are fighting for the things we are attached to, but they are not going anywhere.
Something else to keep in mind is that the person that we are in conflict with also has ideals, beliefs, opinions, reputation, etc. that they are trying to protect with the same level of ferocity. They have the same fears because they have the same ego quest for self preservation. What is essential is a reframe. Why a reframe? Because our body doesn’t know the difference between physical conflict which produces the natural fight-flight-freeze phenomenon and a mental conflict. Which is to say that our body produces the same chemicals and goes through the same physiological processes in either case. Those processes ramp up our instinctual processes and shut down our logical ones. Which is why we are more prone to logical fallacies and personal attacks in those moments. We can learn to say “I am not in danger”. We can either say it to ourselves or aloud. Either way, what that does is calm down our fight-flight-freeze response and allow our reasoning to get back online.
We May Need Time
Just because we are not in danger, doesn’t mean that our feelings cannot be hurt, and doesn’t mean that people’s jabs (intentional or unintentional) do not wound us emotionally or psychically. The idea of “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” is wildly misplaced. I am not here to suggest that we should be ignoring our feelings. I am going to suggest that there might be a way to manage them that still gives voice to them without allowing them to rule over our responses. Our code begins “Emotion yet Peace” and that is certainly an important thing to remember. That is our first space. Emotions can come upon us, and reaching equilibrium is our goal. Emotion YET peace. The question becomes, “how can I give voice to that emotion, the way that its affecting me and what I need to happen?” “I am angry right now”. There is so much power to speaking that out even if just to yourself. The question is “what will I do with that anger?” I don’t want it to have the power to dictate my actions. I need to process what happened and I need to process that feeling. What do I need? I need time.
I read something on facebook that I thought summed our response to this perfectly. “‘My feelings are hurt and I need time to process them so that I can better communicate with you” is a perfectly valid response and I wish it was used more.” Thich Nhat Hanh explains something similar in his book The Art of Communication, “It is ok if you are not ready to listen at a certain moment. If the quality of your listening is not good enough, it is better to pause and continue another day. Practice mindful breathing and walking until you are ready to really listen to the other person. You can say “I want to listen to you when I am at my best. Would it be alright if we continued tomorrow?” (Hanh, pg 43)
I do not consider it a weakness to walk away for the sake of the relationship or for the sake of ones own mental or emotional health. Society is attached to winners and losers and the idea that if I am not winning, I am losing. This can cause us to be in an unhealthy space, to stay in an unhealthy dialogue, and increase the hurt, emotion and attachment. We’d be better served by walking away at least for a time. Note that I did not say “avoid conflict”. We can’t. We can handle it adroitly. What is the difference between avoiding a conflict and returning to a conflict at a different time? Avoiding a conflict is like sticking your head in the sand and hoping things will all work out, all blow over, all some how manage themselves. While there is some value to the idea of doing nothing, there is no value in doing nothing at the expense of yourself. If I avoid conflict I cannot establish boundaries and I cannot get my needs met. However, this is not the same as approaching a conflict again in a state of emotional balance. In fact, the breathe and return does get our needs met and does help us establish boundaries because it allows us to process everything and then communicate or act.
We Can Act in Accordance With the Doctrine
The most effective way that I have found to manage conflict, whether that is within myself or with another person is to rely on the doctrine; specifically the Yet Code, the No Code and the Jedi Creed. In brief: Use the Yet Code to figure out:
- What am I feeling?
- What may I not know? What assumptions am I making?
- What is causing the disconnect?
- What am I trying to protect?
- What is my goal? What is their goal?
Use the No Code to check whether you really answered the above.
- Are my emotions in balance?
- Have I asked all my questions? Have I gotten rid of all of my assumptions?
- Have I figured out what is at the root of all of this?
- Do I know I am not in danger?
- Do I know each of our goals?
Finally, use the Creed like a job description:
Be a Jedi an instrument of peace. Bring love, pardon, faith, hope, light, and joy, but not an over abundance, lest we be inauthentic and smother what is really going on. We are just trying to restore the balance. Because you are in the right mental and emotional state, at the end you would be able to console, understand and love more than seek those things. Remember the Force is with you.
Like anything, this will take practice. It has worked for me and I hope it assists you all.
May the Force be with you
