And if we talked a little about Compassion .... ?

This is one of my favourite subjects : it is a behaviour that I can witness and act according to, not only among our own human species, but also with regard to a few others. I also say that it is one of the only three things I have to teach. This is largely because it is something that no one really has to learn ; we have it naturally. Compassion is directly related to our natural human propensity of empathy. We have come out of the World with an instinct for feeling that which others feel. This can range from physical sympathetic pains, shivers or tickles, to feeling someone else's emotional pain or even pleasure.

Compassion is one of the best ways of connecting with someone in what we have to communicate. It takes the other person into consideration as a feeling being, not simply as a receiver of a message or a means to an end. When we communicate much of what we have to transmit passes by way of other means than verbal language. I know by various other signs other than words that my message is being understood and how it is being understood ; I likewise am responding and replying to others on similar levels. There is facial expression (which is much harder to simulate than one might think) ; there is also hexis, or body posture (anything having to do with kinesics) ; there is also prosody (tone, inflexion, and other forms of para-language).

It seems to me that compassion comes easily when I don't let my mental barriers get in the way. I know that whatever I'm feeling, someone else can feel this way too. Conversely, however someone else is feeling, I know that I have felt also. I cannot necessarily 'remember' a feeling, but when I am with someone else – really 'with', not letting my thoughts run all over the place, including the ones that think I can get something from that other person that s/he isn't prepared to give – then I can connect with another and actually feel things with that person. And that seems to be a pretty common trait …

Something that is worth pointing out is that Compassion is not 'pity'. Compassion is related to Empathy ; Pity to Sympathy. Brené Brown (Univ. of Houston) describes the difference between empathy and sympathy as 'feeling with' someone and 'feeling for' (in the place of) someone, respectively. As was pointed out in her talk to the Royal Society (here awhile back – I don't remember when it was), being the recipient of 'sympathy' (thus 'pity') doesn't feel very nice. What is helpful is to feel 'not alone' in the feeling. Like Dr Brown says, when I'm in a hole (a 'low' place), it is better to talk with someone who has been in a 'low' place, who identifies with just how much that sucks from a first-person point of view, than someone who, not remembering the 'low' place, shows me symathy rather than empathising with the crisis. As in Dr Brown's allegory, someone 'talking down to me from above.'

I've made the mistake on both sides : I've failed to identify with someone who simply needed an ear to listen, and rather offered them something to make them get their mind off of it (which, in effect, is about the same as saying “just forget about it ; change the ideas”), not really serving to let them feel better, or at least 'not isolated'. When someone is suffering – regardless of the judgement that causes them to suffer – taking them to the pub is not really the best solution. Gifts aren't either. Letting them bitch about things honestly, showing the Compassion of knowing intimately what they are feeling is much more apt. This does not involve pointing out the errors in their reasoning or getting them to 'think' about something else.

It is also better to take a step back. This is not the same a 'distancing oneself' as we commonly think about it. It isn't abandonment, getting away to a comfortable distance as not to be hurt also, but allowing the 'space' necessary to see the other as a human being like me. One lets the distance – like some 'slack' in a cord, not too tight – so that one can have room for feeling 'with' someone else. Too close, one doesn't see what is going on, or with whom/what one has affair. As says the Dr Iain McGilchrist, it takes the larger, inclusive, wide-angle perspective to allow for empathy ; too close, one just “bites”.

Even other animals do this. Dogs and cats sense when we are not happy. Whereas they don't want much to do with me when I'm afraid or angry, they often come to offer consolation when I'm sad. My cat, for instance, is going to hate it if I grab him up like I would a stuffed toy, scratch me or otherwise get away from me. It is sort of funny, but people do that too. However, if I am just still in my sorrow, he comes to me all on his own. It is sort of funny, but people are like that too …

In summary, Compassion is the virtue of feeling what another feels from sharing the “experience of being alive” with others. We often talk of Compassion when it concerns negative feelings (sadness, fear), but personally I feel that by true Compassion, many feelings can be shared, including Joy and Love. It isn't to make anyone “feel better” – though one may feel better as a result, it isn't the principle goal – it is about fortifying the vital experience.