Why silence is often the best response to a verbal attack

Have a look at the article here:

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/why-silence-is-often-the-best-response-to-a-verbal-attack/

It's something that's worth considering, especially online.

Silence feels oddly vulnerable - when we're being attacked verbally we're used to using our own words as our shield (or sometimes even our sword) - at any rate, as something with which to defend/protect ourselves. Somehow it feels as though, if we take that away, we're practically sacrificing ourselves...

But the real shield is our mind. If we're secure enough in ourselves to not take what is being said personally, the attacker can say whatever they like and it wont matter.

What I do find is that responding to people with silence often escalates the attacker's anger, like the article mentions. Sometimes that anger burns itself out with no opposing words to fuel it, but sometimes the silence can be a fuel even more potent. 'Warning' people that I'm about to stop responding often seems to help diffuse things a little - "I'm not prepared to talk about this any more" or "I'm not prepared to continue discussing this until we've both had a chance to calm down" - that way it can come across a little more as though you have formally ended the conversation as is your right to do, rather than simply 'giving the silent treatment' which may be perceived as childish or rude.

Thanks Edan!

I don't actually agree that silence is a good response.
Mainly because I have seen it used and it comes across as dismissive and rude.
If the other is angry then yes, tell them you will continue the discussion when they are calm and you can both talk sensibly but too often especially online silence is used as a form of attack.

elizabeth wrote: I don't actually agree that silence is a good response.
Mainly because I have seen it used and it comes across as dismissive and rude.
If the other is angry then yes, tell them you will continue the discussion when they are calm and you can both talk sensibly but too often especially online silence is used as a form of attack.

thank you

i do actually think silence is good at certain times but when i read the article i thought "well it didnt work for HER did it?"
i mean she never did get the issue resolved

the roommate moved out, eventually
but not everyone has that luxury

being willing to speak your truth and also to really hear the other persons truth is better

being willing and able to have a conflict, if it has to be a conflict, but capable of doing it without getting stuck in feeling pettiness towards the other

---

"Over the next few weeks, I waited for my roommate to come to me in a calm manner to resolve her issues with me, but she never did. Any chance she had, she continued to speak to me in a hateful manner, even though I didn’t engage her."

my response is YOU SHOULD HAVE ENGAGED HER - IF YOURE SO SMART WHY DIDNT YOU GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS??

lol

duh

Silence can be a form of ego, refusing to submit that you have even seen the other's response. Silence can be hiding from the truth. Or it can be knowing the truth so hard that you gently push the other to go back and really read what you've already said and /listen/. It can also help heal a conflict and create a healthy distance.

The person in the blog's conflict could have reached out to the person that was hurting instead of leaving them in pain. I feel as if what they did was overly involved with their own world instead of trying to help.

If one has a verbal attack toward me, it signifies that it is priority that I be silent and listen, and learn, until I am asked to speak. It is my respect to them and their issue.

An Open mouth and a Closed mind are not able to be reasoned with. It is best to follow a simple lesson...

Who is the more Foolish, the Fool, or the One who Argues with it?

My problem in arguments is I get too technical and logical, as if they are an opportunity to explore and explain... which lets be honest when not upset makes it very easy to crush the likewise efforts of someone who might already be quite upset. It's not very polite no matter the good intention. Sometimes people just want to vent, and people often say stuff they don't mean, and sometimes stuff that doesn't even make much sense LOL... but is that the best time to point it out to them!?

I think the answer is to be aware of the situation and respond appropriately. Sometimes continuing to speak works, other times, as Elizabeth says, staying silent may make things worse.

In all situations though, including (especially) online, thought should be taken before response. Sometimes responding, if you respond in a confrontational or poorly worded way, may make things worse than if you had just said nothing.

One thing to remember is that the relationship in the article ended. Not immediately, but it did, and it didn't seem to get any better before it ended. The silence was an indicator that the argument wasn't going to upset the writer, but it did not help to mend the relationship.

As has been said, remaining silent for a time can be a sign of respect. Let them get all of what they want to say out, but if you don't respond at all then expect the relationship to be over. If this were a stranger verbally attacking me then sure, I'll be silent and walk away. Why should I let that affect my day? But if my significant other is angry and taking it out on me then I better darn sure listen, let her get it out, and then speak calmly to hopefully address the actual problem.

An interesting article and good to remember, but not a steadfast rule. Though almost nothing ever is.