Loneliness - Building a Defense

One of the reasons why I chose to adopt Jediism was to gain and maintain a peace of mind. And, by practicing Jediism every day, I've felt a lot better than I've ever felt before.

However, I've always had many times where I've felt extremely lonely. Don't get me wrong - I have decent people to talk with every day. However, I've come to a point in my school life where people just do things on their own. Personally, I usually sit and do work on my own for most of the day - only walking around during lunch and ten minute breaks to say hello to my peers.

In all honesty, I know that "just hanging out more with my friends" won't fix the loneliness. I've tried that many, many times before, and I've still felt lonely - maybe even worse, considering that I'm with people but I still feel lonely. My friends just do things on their own, as mentioned.

It's a complicated, personal feeling that I'm struggling to control.
As a Jedi, I know that I should work on relinquishing attachments and attaining an excellent peace of mind.

However, I feel that my loneliness is a sign of attachment and gets in the way of attaining mindful peace.


Does anyone have any recommendations to work on my loneliness problem?
Any personal exercises, tips, etc.?

I'm currently going over the Vows of the Jedi, and, unlike in Buddhism, in Jediism a certain level of attachment is actually healthy. Here's the vow to check out:

The Vow of Attachment: Attachment is vital to the life of the Jedi. The Jedi must know life and be intrinsically tied to it in order to better serve the will of the Force. Jedi must possess ties to the people around them and are encouraged to love. Love is a strong connection to the basis of humanity and can serve as a strong foundation of strength and encouragement when a Jedi needs them most.

I understand your feeling of loneliness when around people- my hypothesis is that we aren't hanging out with people who stimulate us properly. What are your interests? Do you and your friends talk about or participate in those interests? Do they share your interests with a similar level of enthusiasm? If not, that could be your problem.

I have many friends who don't spark anything in me when I'm around them- they are good people, and I like them, it's just that hanging out with them seems no better to me than being alone. But then I have one friend, who whenever I hang out with him, I have a great time and feel "in company", because we both like to discuss the same things and participate in the same activities. Maybe it could be the same with you?

I'm sorry I don't have any advice to give you, other than the usual "meet new people, make new friends who share the same interests", which is often difficult to do, especially when you have a strict schedule that restricts time you have to socialize with others, like at school. But it is possible, just difficult. I wish you the best of luck in finding a feeling of company with others. MTFBWY.

I find that just talking about things helps. I have exams in a couple of weeks and in the Easter holidays (or spring break if your American) I actually saw no one for more than two weeks, I woke up went to the library and worked all day then came home and watched a movie in the evening. In some ways I actually enjoyed doing that a lot, I felt like I was doing a lot of good stuff, like reading books, watching movies, things I enjoy doing by myself. I would say that that's not healthy though. I often go through long periods like that of just seeing no one, but if I go out afterwards then I'll find that it's like a massive release because I can talk about what's been bothering me, what's been on my mind or even just boring stuff that's not really interesting at all. For instance last week I spent one evening with two other guys and we spent about 6 hours talking and I think it was because we'd all been huddled up by ourselves for so long. So I guess my advice is to meet up with some people who you're good friends with and just talk, it is a really good way of relieving feelings of isolation.
I've only been a part of the temple for 2-3 weeks now and I find that even coming on here is a good way of getting over loneliness because I can just talk about crap that's been on my mind or is bothering me, which is really what you're doing no?

Hope that helps...if not..sozums :blink:

SeanChing wrote:

This.

I have struggled with this for quite a bit, being someone older than most people around her (I'm 24 and finishing up my undergraduate degrees), and I've had a number of discussions in my attempt to deal with this problem. I'm not sure that I have a good answer for you, but I will share my experience and what I am doing to address the problem.

I think that there is a certain level of isolation in education -- I have more life experience than my peers, and I am also more educated than the majority of my peers as my program is quite a bit more rigorous than the average student's undergraduate study at my institution. Additionally, education trains students to become specialists. I've gained a lot of knowledge about topics that most people would consider esoteric. I talk about archaeology and people ask me how many dinosaur bones I've dug up :dry: (One of my favorite T-shirts says "ARCHAEOLOGY" and has a picture of a T-rex with a no sign on top of it ) Point being, the disciplines that I have studied, and my interests, have become focused and esoteric. It is hard to talk to others about these interests in a way that will interest them, although it is an imperative to do so, for the health of the discipline and also to improve my own communication skills. I am wondering if part of the reason that you feel alone when with friends is because you are not connecting on a meaningful level with them, sharing the things that are most important to you. When there is no outlet for these feelings, even when I am among friends, I feel quite alone.

Currently I am broadening my interests and I am trying to look outward instead of inward. It is important to share my knowledge and interests with others, but there is so much opportunity to grow by talking to others about the things that they believe, the hobbies that they enjoy. Treating friendship as a learning experience may help you bond better with your friends, and to meet new people. I have found that when I ask people questions because I am interested and want to understand them really helps people open up to me, and when asked, people will open up. They enjoy sharing themselves. I think that when this sharing happens, it is possible to find commonalities, companionship, and contentment, and this is what I am doing to address the problem of loneliness.

My heart is with you and I wish you the best.

Archaic Smile

I know exactly what you mean, SeanChing. It's something beyond loneliness, something so ingrained in yourself that even being around other people doesn't repair that lonely feeling. It is possible to be lonely in a crowd.

My personal recommendation is to meditate in your own unique way so that it brings you into a higher comfort level of being with yourself, 'alone with the Force,' if you will. I've learned that when you find that full comfort within your own skin, the loneliness disappears. Because we're never truly alone. And I think that loneliness you feel is that lack of connection with yourself, that higher spiritual self that comes to light within the Force. That emptiness you feel isn't about filling it with someone or something else, it's about coming fully into your own so that you belong to yourself.

I don't know if that made any sense...it's tough trying to put it into words. It's also difficult pre-adulthood when people are still trying to figure themselves out and there's still so much to learn. But the more you uncover and create your spiritual self, the less of a hold that lonely emptiness will have.

Thank you all for your thoughtful, sincere, helpful, and detailed responses. I sure don't feel lonely at the moment!

Hypatia - Thank you for providing a solid reference to Jediism. Moreover, I was already aware of our vow of attachment, but I did not refer to it at the moment. You taught me that it's necessary to go back to the basic teachings and self evaluate as a means to heal. You were very helpful - you don't have any reason to apologize!

Mace - Very simple and straightforward. I feel I am in a similar situation to yours. Thank you for providing some direct and simplified insight, and providing a feeling of connection between my situation and yours.

Archaic Smile - I appreciate that you are willing to share your experiences with me, and those who read this post, even though you must be quite busy. I too am heavily focused on my education (currently a Junior at a good private school), and I understand that it will get harder during college. However, I know I can do it because you also did it too. Thank you for your insights.

Ace - Thank you so much for your deep insights. You are right - it is (very) possible to be lonely in a crowd. Moreover, you taught me that my feelings of loneliness are probably issues inside me. I thought about this, and I also reasoned that I could be feeling lonely due to other, similar reasons, such as lack of personal confidence, poor speaking abilities (which has been a problem of mine for years now) and perhaps some family issues. I will meditate and work towards bettering myself - you can count on it. It seems you knew my situation well, and I thank you for addressing it.

Having been enveloped in lonliness for long periods of time myself and having experienced forcefully lonliness thrust upon me. All I can say to after what Ive been through is that faith in the importance of life and how precious it actually is, is of vital importance. Try to do static meditation (sitting cross legged) at least 5-10 minutes wherein atempting to clear your mind keeping a faint smile on your face. I call this the smiling meditation. After a short period of doing this you will begin to feel better within yourself. If you so wish you may focus on your lonliness whilst you practise your smiling meditation. I hope this information helps you in some way.

SeanChing wrote: Ace - Thank you so much for your deep insights. You are right - it is (very) possible to be lonely in a crowd. Moreover, you taught me that my feelings of loneliness are probably issues inside me. I thought about this, and I also reasoned that I could be feeling lonely due to other, similar reasons, such as lack of personal confidence, poor speaking abilities (which has been a problem of mine for years now) and perhaps some family issues. I will meditate and work towards bettering myself - you can count on it. It seems you knew my situation well, and I thank you for addressing it.

I'm so glad I could help. It's difficult to be completely honest and open with oneself, but as you progress, you will notice the difference in your interactions with others. I've noticed in my own life that the more I practice this, the better I am at presenting myself in public, speaking, even moving my body more confidently. I'm sure as you unravel your own personal situation, this same comfort will come your way. Best wishes, my friend.

I started this forum post a long while back, and felt it necessary to bring it back.


It's the new school year, my last year in High School, and, unfortunately, I'm starting to feel the loneliness problem creeping back to me. I've actually tried to be more sociable this year. In fact, I've stepped out of my comfort zone for nearly three weeks already and sat down with my friends daily: the ones I used to only say "Hi" or "Bye" to.


I'm starting to feel lonely again, but for different reasons. While I am surrounded by my friends usually, I notice that they don't seem to talk to me very much, even though I REALLY try to speak up. I recall really straining to get a decent conversation out of the people I sit with, but it hasn't worked. Strangely, when other people arrive, the friends I talk to start getting really loquacious, and I feel a little irritated that they seem so dodgy when I talk to them....I've known some of these people since my days in Middle School....

Also, I noticed that my friends there don't really say anything to me when I arrive. I always make sure to say a friendly "good morning" or "hello" to anyone there, and they do say hi back. But I often return in the afternoons, and no one greets me. I sit down for about ten minutes before I personally greet everyone on the table and try to start a conversation.

According to my good friend, Hypatia, "my hypothesis is that we aren't hanging out with people who stimulate us properly."
And according to another good friend of mine, Aceboizer, "It is possible to be lonely in a crowd."


I'm starting to believe both of you (namely Hypatia). Am I in a social situation that won't work for me? Am I hanging out with people who don't "stimulate" me and my interests? Is it realistically possible for me to feel lonely sitting on a table with a lot of people I have come to consider my "friends"? I'm thinking of answering "yes" to all of these questions...



I'd just like to conclude by explaining that I feel I do have genuine friends here at the Temple. All of you are very intelligent young men and women (even you guys, Master Jestor, Neaj Pa Bol, and Ren!), and I feel I get to "talk" with all of you much more than some of the people I know in real life...


Just know that if you have or are dealing with loneliness problems, it's not at all something to hide/be ashamed of. I have dealt with this type of problem for a long while now, but I am so glad I talked about it here rather than think and deal with it on my own.

Thank you all.
And May the Force Be With You. I mean it.

I suffer with this problem in a big way. Infact I can rememnber I have felt like this on and off for years as you describe. I feel that people are deliberately excluding me from the conversations, and also being quite boystrous an locatious with each other, which creates a horrible sense of exitement that is very uncomfortable.

Sometimes I feel that I am not being given the chance to complete my trials in life. As if somebody is deliberately making emotion, ignorance, passion, chaos and death part of my life way more than for ordinary people. As if there is a sith lord that wants to ruin the code that I follow.

I know all of this may seem rather extreem of me to say, but if you think of the unnatural exitement (chaos) that comes to me when I am lonely and ignored in front of a group of boystrous people you may get the picture that I am not exagerating.

So thankyou Sean for posting this. And it's most recent revival . I'm pretty certain that if alot of people were honest, they were at some point subject to this kind of lonelyness.