Heartbreak and social acceptance

My inbox is open if you ever want to chat.

I look forward to your explorations in your journal. Digging up the past might not be fun, but the results of journaling about it and growing from pain will having you laughing like a maniac later on.

Most of our defining qualities are double edges swords... they define both our strenghts and weaknesses. Your soft heart is an asset

So, I know this is a little late but I second what Manu said and my inbox is also always open.

Recently I went through and am going through a pretty crushing break up. I also have depression and tend to respond to depressing situations by just shutting down and looking inside. Though reflecting can be healthy it can also be very non productive. So, i always always suggest talking to people about it. As for friends that change course on when opinions clash it's not you it's their need for affirmation of their opinions that cause this. This is incredibly important to realize or you will torture yourself over something that doesn't need to weigh you down.

I am not going to assume your age, however, one thing I have noticed over my time growing up and continuing to grow is that in time many people begin to start realizing major political/social/whatever issues are not as black and white as they seem. believing things are all or nothing tends to be a sign of willful ignorance, or selfishness.

Always, always hold on to your kind heart it will serve you well. As Manu has said though society like to mold people and often takes advantage of our strengths and weaknesses. But these pressures are seldom absolute and consistently changing. Just be yourself and though easier said than done accept the you are good enough for affection and admiration from others even though some are not willing to give. I hope this helps a little.

Much love, peace and respect,
Kobos

Seregis wrote: Wow that's a lot of responses already! Lots of good information. To go little more in-depth, I've been struggling with a few friends who dislike the fact that I don't agree with their opinions on controversial topics and I'm not going to mention those topics for the sake of not starting a debate. The minute they find out I don't agree with them on the same things, all my friends turn nasty and I don't get why. I just say I don't agree with certain aspects of those controversial topics but I appreciate their friendship more so I don't talk about it and they don't like that answer either.

My whole struggle is that people make friends based on what you agree with them on certain topics or things and if suddenly, you don't agree with them on something they're passionate about, they make you feel stupid and then cast you out into the trash and I have two friends that have been doing that to me recently and it's been absolutely heartbreaking. It just tells me they're not my friends to begin with and confirms why I don't open up to people a lot. And that's also something else I am trying to get over.

That's right, they are not your friends but there lots more that could be. Go do stuff you like and be with people of common interest. I think you'll find some worthy friends there.

Time and experience.

The older you get, the more experience you get and the more comfortable with yourself you get. Plus, you inevitably get screwed over/hurt and learn that you can't really control other peoples behavior towards you, but you can control how much enjoyment you get out of life by doing your own thing. Those things combined eventually lead to more security in yourself and less time spent focusing on what other people think.

As for those friends... Well, they're not really your friends. Sorry.
Real friends can have differences with each other, even have debates with each, both from a sincere belief, and still be respectful of each other. I have some buddies from my time in the Army, and we get into it every now and then over politics, but we're always respectful of each other and we always boil down to "agree to disagree" and we carry on being friends, because of all the Other things that we do agree on. Those things keep us close and far outweigh the minor differences.

I am not much use as a therapist, but I am always willing to just listen, Serigis.

One thing I can offer is a bit of wisdom I picked up years ago that has served me well when I find myself in the middle of a contentious conversation with strong opinions flying about. It comes from an article by Wayne Brockriede entitled Arguers As Lovers .

He explains that people tend to argue as a "rapist", a "seducer", or as a "lover".

Arguers as Rapists will scream and yell and berate you until you agree with them and their opinions won't change no matter how much evidence you provide to the contrary. They are more concerned with being right than they are with learning anything. They will issue ultimatums and use emotional blackmail to make you agree. These people are not your friends and arguing with them is pointless.

Arguers as Seducers are people who will try to trick you. They will twist facts or twist your own words to suit their needs. They will often lie or change their story mid argument. They will try to convince you that you have a choice between what you believe and what they believe, and you're making the wrong one. This type of arguer is most often associated with the sleazy used car salesman or a dishonest politician. These people can be charming and they can be your friends, but you must be very aware of their motives and constantly question what they are saying.

The last type of arguer is the Lover. These are people who argue with the goal of learning. They will ask questions and then they will shut up and listen to your answer. Even while disagreeing, these people will consider your evidence and then offer counter evidence for you to consider. They won't force it upon you or try to use emotion to convince you. Instead, they will allow you to respectfully disagree. Perhaps most importantly, this type of arguer will consider you an equal. They value the relationship more than the outcome of the argument. Lovers are open to changing their own opinions as they learn And emphasize cooperation. These are the people that will be your true friends.

If you can find friends who value your opinions as an individual, they will build you up. They will show you your true value. I sincerely hope you can find people like that in your life, and this Temple has its fair share of Jedi who strive to be like that.

I have had to struggle greatly with this as well. You have to identify some activities or behaviors that you would be proud of yourself for doing. Thats the first step. You have to have specific answers to offer when you inner critic demands “why havent you ever done anything thats worth a fok?”
Its up to you to decide what you consider meaningful or successful or respectable. That inner critic, that damn bastard judge, s/he is going to tell you that you are utterly worthless and youll have no defense against this unless youre able to point to at least one specific thing that youre committed to and be able to truthfully say; even if everything else about me sucks, THIS ONE THING is good. It maters. It makes a difference. If i can do one good thing, i can do other good things, too.

It kind of doesnt matter much which First Good Thing you go for. It can be totally self focused, like learning to play an instrument or going back to school or getting yourself into decent shape, physically, or changing your diet or accomplishing whatever that goal or desire is that youve been thinking of for a while but havent yet done anything about.
It could also be service related, like volunteering or finding a job that helps people or getting involved with your local church or your local community center or...anything.

You have to do something that YOU respect. It doesnt matter what it is but you have to go after something so that you can point to AT LEAST one piece of your life and say “this is something good and i am proud of it”

You have to start here because in reality, you have to build yourself up so that you can respect yourself even when others dont see your worth. You have to produce your own value so that you can know your own value. If you dont do this, youll always be at the mercy of other peoples validation.

There more stuff after this part but really, this is the most important piece.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pARFcJQclCc