Heartbreak and social acceptance

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25 Jan 2018 21:56 #313466 by Seregis
So I don't know if this is the right category to put this under but it's definitely a topic that I want to have addressed.

How did you all overcome the intense need to be socially accepted, and that you find yourself doing anything to be accepted by anyone to have friends or keep positive impressions of you?

Recently I found it extremely hard to... I don't know how to word it. I have a difficulty accepting that I'm not liked by everyone so when I try and retain friendships or positive impressions when I'm arguing with someone who has a different opinion and obviously does not like me, I really take that personally and it affects me on a level so much that I feel like my soul and my heart is broken.

Whether it's because I am an infj and people-pleasing is just part of my personality or, my rough history of feeling alone through some of the child abuse issues I went through has caused me to develop that, regardless I want it gone. It's ripping me in such a way that it's hard for me to go about my Daily Business without crying at some point or having PTSD like issues and I don't like it. I also know that it's one of the very few things holding me back on a lot of my spiritual growth and some of the choices I make on a day-to-day basis.

What are some of the techniques that you've used to overcome this or grow from it if you are suffering from it? The last week has been extremely hard and it's probably been one of the hardest moments I've had since the last major issue 6 years ago. I don't think I have cried or been depressed this much in a very long time. I know in my heart that I shouldn't feel this way or that I shouldn't be so concerned with things like this, and yet my soul and something about me has to react to this sort of thing and I don't get what it is.
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25 Jan 2018 22:05 #313468 by Arisaig
Replied by Arisaig on topic Heartbreak and social acceptance
If you go out to find a friend, none can be found. Go out to be a friend, and friends are all around.

An age old saying, but helpful. I went through the same thing. I gave up on finding friends, no one wanted to just chill. Instead, I made myself available, an ear to listen, a shoulder to lean upon, a set of hands when someone need extra. Many don't stick around, but the quality ones do. Focus on that, focus on the ones that come back. Be the friend you want to be. If they leave, they're not worth your time, really.

Society doesn't like what it cant understand. But to fit into the "cookie cutter" society has put forth is to have all that extra YOU cut off, meaning you're gonna be accepted... but at the price of discarding the genuine you. Be you, be bold, be beautiful in your own way. The ones worth keeping will flock to the flame that is you.

Inbox is always open if you need anything. :)

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25 Jan 2018 22:58 - 25 Jan 2018 23:02 #313473 by Carlos.Martinez3
Truthfully : personally : I have 2 friends in this world. I am close to my brother in law and family but as far as friends go I say 3. There is a very real idea that the mind creates a need to be accepted. Where when and how is difrent from everyone. Geography - influence - are the key creators of these types of things. I my self came to a place where I realized this for my self. The need ... I had discovered for me was after doing my own soul searching I deemed not benifishal to me. I changed the value and definition and eventually today I hold a way difrent definition than when I first started. To be accepted by society is never a cause for me or for my way of life. Some do and that's not wrong at all. We live in a very real world. We pay bills, walk the dog pay our taxes things like this , Jedi live in the real world. When you label your self Jedi or even the infomious " individual" you can have a nervous
break down when you realize ... we are different. And the best part is we don't have to be the same. In the movies every jedi is from another world and a different color and from difrent planets solar systems and even have different styles and beliefs.... this is a small glimpse of what we are here... one big place full of DIFFRENT people who hold the same basic ideas. Our practices and ideas may or may not be the same but the core is . We are difrent. Humans are diffrent. No one is the same as fingerprints and DNA. It's learning not to fight or argue or get upset or put out of sort with the rest of the other planets inhabitants that causes the separation.
I practice me ... every day. I do it without worry of who or what is said on tv music or even in the news and amongst others. I have ( for myself) created a very beautiful thing. I continue to every day. This freedom or freedoms I wish on every one. It's for eveynone. Jedi ism can help. The label that takes away labels ! In the end we are all human. If I tell you ... seek and you will find ... not do it my way .... or your wrong ... there is a very big diffrence. It's that diffrence we often share. Be diffrent - your diffrent and take heart that even though we are difrent - your difrent is the same as mine and you can be it ... no matter what others say. I believe in you and I encourage you ... and I don't even know you . Don't have to ... I believe in the inherit worth of all... that keeps me from arguing ! May the Force give you and remind you of the strength you already possess!
May it be with you !
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25 Jan 2018 23:40 #313476 by Twigga
I am not sure that social acceptance is something a person can really feel unless they are able to accept themselves, as they are, whatever or wherever they are. I think this is a big part of what Carlos had to say, and the reason taking Arisaig's advice would be wise. It's hard to be down on yourself when you are busy being a supportive member of society, being a friend, as Arisaig said. But you also need to know and accept yourself too - "believe in the inherit worth of all", including yourself, as Carlos writes.

But it's really hard to do. To help me in my needs for acceptance by the ones I love, I simply made a decision to trust myself in every present moment. For example, I'd not worry so much about what Myers-Briggs say you are... I am able to arrange four letters from the alphabet in MUCH more creative ways to create a label for myself than they can! Instead I follow the instinct to open up in love; follow the instinct to stand up for my rights, or the rights of others, when I see them being injured... It's a very "rough and ready" toolkit - I've not had it long, and I'm making a heap of mistakes. There are probably better ways; but it's the stick I've got, so I'll use it. I am very happy to share if you want to give it a try too.
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25 Jan 2018 23:43 #313477 by Luthien
I've been the same way almost my entire life. I found out, though, that no matter what you do, you will always find someone somewhere that doesn't like you for some arbitrary reason or another. Like Arisaig said, be yourself. People will either like you or not and that's not your decision. The ones that do like you, like you because they accept and want to be around the genuine you. This way of wanting to be liked by people made me not want to be part of this site for a while because I internalized way too much. I went through such a dark time in my life that I felt alone and that I didn't need anybody. But, that was foolish. I accepted myself for who I am and gave up trying to please people. I am quite a selfish person and I like to make people laugh. It sounds counter to what a jedi is, but I don't claim to be one. I focus on my needs and wants and I end up making people smile more and talk to me more. They see me taking care of myself, and so they want to do the same for themselves. Weird, huh? But, I don't stop there. The ones that I like and/or love, I do everything I can to take care of them. If I'm asked for help, I am more willing to give it than I am for someone who expects me to read their mind.

So, I would suggest that you take some alone time to reflect on who you are, or who you think you are. Don't worry about what people think. Just figure out who you are and let that be what people see. People will notice the shift and will respond in their own ways. The negative ones only cared about what you could do for them, to use you. The indifferent ones, really didn't care one way or the other. The positive ones probably knew you were hiding the real you inside and were waiting for that to come out. It's not so cut and dry, but that's a basic way to think about it. Besides, if someone who annoys the crap out of you is one of the negative ones, you can use it to your advantage by being yourself more loudly so as to keep them at bay.

As Alvin Lee says, "I don't give a damn - I am what I am."


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25 Jan 2018 23:53 #313480 by Seregis
Wow that's a lot of responses already! Lots of good information. To go little more in-depth, I've been struggling with a few friends who dislike the fact that I don't agree with their opinions on controversial topics and I'm not going to mention those topics for the sake of not starting a debate. The minute they find out I don't agree with them on the same things, all my friends turn nasty and I don't get why. I just say I don't agree with certain aspects of those controversial topics but I appreciate their friendship more so I don't talk about it and they don't like that answer either.

My whole struggle is that people make friends based on what you agree with them on certain topics or things and if suddenly, you don't agree with them on something they're passionate about, they make you feel stupid and then cast you out into the trash and I have two friends that have been doing that to me recently and it's been absolutely heartbreaking. It just tells me they're not my friends to begin with and confirms why I don't open up to people a lot. And that's also something else I am trying to get over.
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25 Jan 2018 23:56 #313481 by Luthien
Those are the negative ones, using you to boost themselves up. You agree with them, therefore they are superior. You disagree with them, you may as well not exist. Not real friends. Not to make you feel even worse about it, either, but that's what it amounts to. I usually have to tell would-be friends that my opinion changes with evidence. This typically weeds out the ones who think that an opinion is a permanent fixture. I'm sorry that you're going through this.

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26 Jan 2018 00:32 #313489 by Manu

Seregis wrote: To go little more in-depth, I've been struggling with a few friends who dislike the fact that I don't agree with their opinions on controversial topics and I'm not going to mention those topics for the sake of not starting a debate. The minute they find out I don't agree with them on the same things, all my friends turn nasty and I don't get why. I just say I don't agree with certain aspects of those controversial topics but I appreciate their friendship more so I don't talk about it and they don't like that answer either.

My whole struggle is that people make friends based on what you agree with them on certain topics or things and if suddenly, you don't agree with them on something they're passionate about, they make you feel stupid and then cast you out into the trash and I have two friends that have been doing that to me recently and it's been absolutely heartbreaking. It just tells me they're not my friends to begin with and confirms why I don't open up to people a lot. And that's also something else I am trying to get over.


On why people might react violently to different opinions:
www.theoatmeal.com/comics/believe

There is a saying in Spanish, it goes "no eres monedita de oro para caerle bien a todos". It roughly translates as "you are not a golden coin to be well received by everyone".

You simply can't please everyone. Don't bother trying.

What I would recommend is that you branch out. You are here, and I am certain you might find people to connect with whom will share your interests, or at the very least be open to considering them without mentally beating you for them. I know it's not the same to have online friends that to have them offline...

... but it's a start. Don't underestimate the value of friends far away who might be able to lend an ear or just chill and chat.

Do you live in a small town? Smaller communities are less flexible to different opinions, outliers suffer a lot in them. If possible, seek out places/hobbies that might involve the type of people you are looking for.

I don't like to speak for others, but I think it's safe to say that, for what it's worth, we are here for you. :)

If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.

TM: Bruno Moreira (Kyber) | Public Journal
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26 Jan 2018 00:59 #313491 by ChristopherA.N.
I am trying to become a psychologist & a body builder. I dealt with heavy social anxiety and romantic issues growing up. I no longer do and i am only 22.

How i to over social anxiety was simple. I learned 3 things. To logically appreciate others, what aspects of them to appreciate and how to properly use social relationships to benefit my growth and development as a human being. First logically appreciating others is simple and will act a s filter for those you consider your friends (this giving a channeled outlet and minimizing the number of opinions you care about). If your like me your friends are defined as "those people who have qualities about them you wish to integrate into yourself or whose perspective you feel would be useful in your life. It helps to not care about politics (personal opinion NOT required). Once you have assessed this in yourself then simply go into detail. For example i was tortured and abused in a horrifically constrictive tight spaced situation as a child during the 1st 10 years of my life. I have a friend from Brazil who was abandoned by his parents. he wean't through the opposite type of trauma i went through and it shaped him differently as a person. This allows him to see a totally different world than me. It's a perspective of "the eternal troll" that a deeply appreciate in my own life. Finally how and when it is best to use these relationships to your advantage is easily identified through one question "can i talk to them about <insert subject> by creating an exercise of a chart about that subject's qualities you can then derive what subjects to talk about them with. It is easy then to correlate that knowledge with what you KNOW they know about and there by where their perspectives would be most useful.

As a side note, simply put: If you don't know them don't care about their opinion and if you do know them and their not talking about their expertise do not care about their opinion or at the very least care little for it unless it effects them emotionally.

As for heartbreak I am male for reference. I have been engaged when i was 17 and had my fiancee commit suicide of which she was pushed into by her abusive parental situation. shortly after trying to rebound to detract myself out of subconscious want to not confront the situation at the time I too tried to commit suicide. Coming back from it i was essentially in what i called the "grey fetus" mentality. I was questioning everything i believed in and lost all my irl friends due to the personality changes i temporarily underwent. How i got over this (and this to be clear is not based on psychological knowledge but my own personal experience) was that i essentially went through a period of my life in which i swore off women and went into deep study of hermetic philosophy and the behavioral psychology, neuroanthropology and sociology of gender relations through out history. This lasted for about 4 years up until recently when i was finally able to overcome it and come to terms with it. In short for heartbreak time & knowledge is the best healer.

I hope this helped, if not please ignore me

Thank you for helping me think and grow through participation in social discourse
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26 Jan 2018 07:21 #313536 by Seregis
Hey everyone.

I wanted to thank you for all your words of advice as it has helped me improve my mood a lot.

I especially like the words of advice Manu gave, and how supportive he was. Made cry just a tad which is a good thing.

Luthien has also been helpful with her words and kinda rekindled my DGAF attitude when it comes to not worrying about what others think.

With that being said, I need to figure out how to keep myself from tripping again. My biggest problem is that I have a very soft heart which easily gets broken because I don't deal with rejection or lack of being accepted well. I am not sure where it started from, but I suppose I gotta dig back into history which will be a fun trip (not). I know there are certain topics I can speak of to other people, and others I can't. Part of my other problem is that I am also impulsive, so occasionally I jump (or speak) before realizing what came out of my mouth because I think they would be okay with my opinion without the lash back. More often than not, I am finding this is not the case and where I live at, it's normal for others to attack people for their views.

@Manu - I am not in a small town though I wish to be. Living in Seattle is hard when you have a lot of people who shut you down due to your different opinion both inside and outside of any political or controversial topic of any sort. Me and my husband are both looking to move to property in a smaller town which is what we have been wanting to do anyway.

@Christopher - I have also gone through abuse up until I was nineteen and that's why I've been shaped a particular way. I have overcome about... 75% of my issues from it through spiritual study and counseling alike, but there are still triggers that come up from time to time that stop me in my tracks. I try to do deep thinking and study as to why it came up to take it apart, and then put it back together healed and processed so it doesn't repeat. This doesn't necessarily work all the time.

@Arisaig - Always wise words. I agree that I shouldn't cookie cutter myself into what society wants me to be, but being alone for the past 6 years and an outcast does so much to me. I have picked up these studies in hopes I grow from it, but where I live as mentioned before cast you out based on your different opinion from some of the things happening in my state. Anymore if you don't pick a side, you're everyone's enemy which is sad. People only take you at face value and the minute they learn of you, then suddenly you're the thing they want to avoid.

@Twigga - Indeed I try to trust myself in every moment, but it's been hard to do that in a way that I doubt and question myself because I don't know myself like I had before. I had some other idea, but it recently got shut down. Hard. The one that caused it is soon to be closed off. So now I am working at ground level again dealing with emotions I thought I took care of, only to realize I am still very broken. It sucks having to do the healing process all over again - but then again we're not ever perfect lol.

@Carlos.Martinez - I know we are different, and that is why I feel so alone. Not in a good way sadly, but I know if I keep my mind open that I will find the peace I need. It's why I picked up Jediism and philosophy to heal my heart and spirit, and to understand the bigger picture of the world we take at face value. Part of my problem, I know, is that I am letting my Ego get the best of me and it's one of the leading causes of why I am so sensitive. I haven't let go of something causing my emotional break downs, and I have to figure out what.
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