Its been a while since my last visit and I do have a reason for that.
My momma died June 5 of this year, and I am unable to make myself want to do any of the things I wanted to do while she was alive. I feel like my faith is slipping through the cracks and giving way to only what is seen and I no longer have ambitions to complete my schooling to be a police officer, I dont even like to ride my horse anymore. I have a feeling this is the beginning of a serious onset of depression, but with no health insurance, its a road I must muddle through medically unassistted and undiagnosed.
The long lazy hours of sleep are coming back into my life, the motivation has left me and I am finding very little to cling to in what has become a very shallow, emotionally devoid life. Perhaps what is causing all of this questioning started when I watched the only person in this world worth living for, die. I was there and saw the horrified look on her face as she drew her last breath. Two and a half years of suffering ended just like that. I will never forget that look, nor the sound of her last breath that rings through my ears as if I were standing next to the Liberty Bell.
In Hebrews 11:1, it states, \"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.\" This passage of scripture has been my rock in the last year, I have drawn upon its wisdom often. I feel as though now, it holds no meaning to anything in my life. I still have my christian faith, but like I said earlier, I believe its cracking in yet another test of my endurance. I saw the look on her face, I witnessed her life as she suffered and continued to decline, despite prayer and our best hopes against the odds. You will have to forgive me if I failed to see God's miracle in all of that. You will have to forgive me if I am so angry and disturbed that she is gone and I am alone.
I should probably seek some kind of counseling, I believe these wounds to be too deep for me to heal them myself, but I havent the first clue as to what I am supposed to do with my life now. None. I am not someone who is used to just living for themselves, my life has always had a purpose. Whether it be serve my country, work for my community or care for my terminal mother, I have always had a purpose and furthermore always had someone at home waiting for me. That person used to love me no matter how badly I screwed up or messed up. It didnt matter to her.
Now, one could cling to the Bible in a time like this and trust everything to the Lord. That is what we are instructed to do. But here is my problem with that, the more I read into how to hand over my problems to Him, the more I realize it feels like callous indifference to the events that have just occured. How can I trust a God who took my everything? I know there are good things in store for me in the future if I choose to serve Him, so you christians reading this, I gotcha covered, no need to make that point. But what if I dont want the future? What if all I wanted was all I ever had? What then?
Dont take this as me throwing away my faith, this is actually an attempt to save it and make sense of what is going on with someone else's point of view. Right now, nothing on this planet matters to me, not my boyfriend and his daughter, not my horse or my dog or my cat, not my career, in fact, not even my life. And no, I am not suicidal. I can just lay in a bed all day and watch the world go by and it doesnt bother me a bit. Thats not normal, nor is it healthy.
Thank you all however, for your support and warm wishes. May the Force guide you.
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