Take a deep breath!

[Warning this is a vent written really late at night! Please forgive me.]

I just had another return check up appointment with the doctor about my neck. And now I'm faced with a very difficult situation. I am the one to make a decision about having a surgery. Right now the cyst is fairly small, but when it was double this size I felt so out of sync with my body. I was lightheaded it was hard to breathe... all of these things that I had to overcome just so I can function. I had found that dealing with my depression was much easier than this. Then I could acknowledge that I wasn't feeling right and I could remind myself of an affirmation that dealt with it, but it's not the same with my physical body. I can't just say neck deal with the cyst next to your thyroid and breath naturally!! It has taken me years to build up this much will to keep me away from my "darkness ".
By darkness I mean the negitive thoughts that go on up there and the feelings of agression and hopelessness. To be honest I'm afraid of that! I'm afraid of having to make a decision that may not be the right course of action, and then pay the price by falling back into the void. It's hard for me to admit that I am afraid sometimes. And I wish that I wasn't afraid yet I am. I'm afraid to have a surgery done on my neck and I feel unbalanced and tired...

You will find the less you entertain them, the quieter those negative thoughts become. They are never really gone, and some times they come raging back. Train yourself to identify them and invalidate them. It gets easier with practice.

Agreed. I still have moments when I fall into my ancient depressed state of mind. A person may say something I take the wrong way, a smell that throws me back to my youth, etc. Then all the negative mental clatter comes at me with a vengeance. Eventually I stop long enough to voice my concerns to someone close or look at things logically. I take a moment to 'talk to' my inner child in meditation to calm that part of myself down ... it's okay ... nothing is wrong in the here/now ... give it a mental hug. Then I'm fine. Then I can function enough to take care of whatever else needs taken care of in my life.

Ok. I'm a month away from surgery and honestly, I just want to get it over with. I've just learned to live with the constant nuisance of breathing problems, pain, and other problems, but once I'm cleared from recovery I pray that I can live my life again. Although there are no 'real' limits as to what I can do in regards to stuff I can and cannot do, I am very cautious with what I am feeling. Regardless, life is going along swimmingly I did confess to my crush and they said yes! I'm very happy about this because I've put off being in a relationship for a while for personal reasons, but it feels nice to know that I don't have to be alone. Happy Thanksgiving and may your blessings be wonderful!

Happy Thanksgiving to you too!
And you never know until you ask / try. Worse case is there is a "no". Best is "yes". But until you move forward, you never know. Glad it was a yes for you.

The wait s finally beginning to end just two more days until I get my pre-surgery COVID test and a very long night after that until surgery. I honestly can't wait until it's over I really hope that the surgery and recovery go well because I want to live my life again! When I go back to school n the 4th of the New year, I only have 10 more school days until I graduate! I've found that every time I've been working on schoolwork or other important stuff, I take a very deep sigh and they've gotten deeper. lol

Kenobi, you know that our health is multifactorial ... our body reacts with fear but improves with our diet and meditation, I trust that you know how to reduce the excess of adrenaline. You can boost your immune system too. Every "fight", fears and medals are part of life.

May your graduation be bright and may your recovery be in half the time

I'm out of patent recovery. A little sore but okay. I remember going into the operating room and being given oxygen, but then I feel asleep. I think I had a nightmare while or after surgery because I remember the nurses trying to wake me up and I kept falling asleep. Lol the next thing I know is that I'm in recovery and people asking me questions. Then I got to talking about my religion and that I want to be a philosopher and all that. I honestly don't think that it was the anesthesia talking! Lol now we're calling for a hotel because of the snow storm rolling in! Yay !

The week is coming to an end, but a new and a very long week is starting! For the first few days, I was on some very strong pain meds every 6 hours. So I was taking so many cat naps and I still have a quieter voice which I am still not used to. Now I'm only taking the strong meds at night and every once in a while my voice waivers. Now, this was expected, but what I didn't expect was the tape that's on my neck covering the stitches being so bothersome, I really HATE the tape. I know they're there for a reason, but It attracts more attention than I need. It's been a little harder to sleep the past few nights mostly because I can't get comfortable, but also because of the cat naps. This is going to be a very long two weeks.

This too shall pass, just go easy with things lady, and before ya know it you will be all healed.