“My boss is, inadequate” I said, frustrated by her actions that Friday that had almost caused me to miss my ride. Frustrated that she hadn’t given me enough time to complete a task. Frustrated by her lack of communication that had gotten me into this mess. Frustrated at myself for caring enough to do a double check again, after I had put the project in her box. My mind was distracted, I was emotional. I was at the gym, but I couldn’t focus enough to work out. I hoped those four words would give me some relief if I shouted them in the gym a few times, but they only worked me up more. One helpful person retorted, “be grateful you have a job”. “No” I responded “my boss is inadequate” Regional Center spent some hundreds of dollars for me to berate my boss, take a phone call and sit on the New Step feeling sorry for myself.
I finally got to the mat to get stretched and one of the interns tried her hardest to make it a good stretch, but the stretch is where Karen, my personal trainer and I, talk. Its ten minutes of undivided attention and I needed that today. After the intern finished a couple of stretches with one leg, she called over Karen. “I think she’d be less emotional and more relaxed if you did this leg,” Karen asked if that was so and I responded with a meek “yes.”
I’m usually pretty bubbly, so Karen noticed my change in demeanor and asked me what was wrong. Tears now freely pouring down my face I let her know, She gave me some advice about going to my boss’ supervisor. Armed with a plan to throw some serious shade my boss’ way I went home. My best friend Anton didn’t pick up the phone. I lost my chance to rehearse the whole thing to him and add more fire to my belly. So I role played in my head what Monday morning would be like. Hell, what the County visit would be like when I recited all the inadequacies she had as a leader and manager and demand, DEMANDED a new boss.
In those exchanges, in which I talked AT her, talked ABOUT her, but never TO her, I saw the effect of my words. She broke down. In my imagination I saw her heaving, shaking cries.’ I saw the effect of my anger and I was taken aback. Then I heard, because I got quiet enough, words I had told my own Connect Group the Saturday before “The first thing that I had to learn not to do is not to create a hostile work environment with my words, that included not gossiping, not comparing myself to others, and learning to speak life and inspire...” I realized in that moment that no matter how frustrated I was or how justified I felt I had failed in that moment in my commitment to myself and my work place. I had gossiped, I had compared and I had not spoken life. Now I was feeling sorry for a different reason. I was frustrated there, but the Lord told me I wouldn’t leave until I learned to serve another [person’s] vision. I’d keep going around the same mountain, having the same issues unless I dealt with the issues WITHIN MYSELF.
I sat down and had a heart to heart with the Lord. “I’m so frustrated and I’m so angry and I need help.” Then the Lord brought to my remembrance a truth I had discovered, ironically, here at the Temple. “No one becomes smarter by being called stupid or a more excellent leader by being called inadequate. People have killed themselves for less.” and this sermon “I am Responsible” I may have linked it somewhere on the forum, but it concerns King David and his shouldering of responsibility. “I am Responsible” are three words that I have etched on my heart along with this:
I am a Jedi, an instrument of peace;
Where there is hatred I shall bring love;
Where there is injury, pardon;
Where there is doubt, faith;
Where there is despair, hope;
Where there is darkness, light;
And where there is sadness, joy.
I am a Jedi.
I shall never seek so much to be consoled as to console;
To be understood as to understand;
To be loved as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive;
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
The Force is with me always, for I am a Jedi.
May the Force Be With You All