What happens when Jedi lose their cool?

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14 Dec 2020 13:17 - 14 Dec 2020 19:25 #356908 by Carlos.Martinez3
As parents, what do you do when your kids step over the boundaries in public? What do you do when you get frustrated and to that point of wanting to scream?

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Last edit: 14 Dec 2020 19:25 by Carlos.Martinez3.

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15 Dec 2020 17:58 #356935 by Wescli Wardest

There were many abusive adults in my childhood. Lessons were learnt immediately and harshly so that one would remember them. Your feelings about it was entirely inconsequential. We were to learn and obey. Not have opinions.
This upbringing made me a good soldier. But I was not good at people relationships.

There are aspects I from my upbringing that I do believe have credence. And there parts I think no child should have to bare. So When I decided it was time to have children I knew, in advance, what I would and wouldn’t do. I think that is one of the most important things a parent can do before having children. Decide what your values are, your principles, what you are willing and not willing to do and have a basic plan of implementation. I say basic plan because no plan is perfect. You have to be willing to adapt and change as needed.

One, I believe children need stability. This involves some degree of routine. But primarily, a known set of do’s and don’ts and expectable consequences and rewards. It also means a level of predictability. If dinner is at 6pm, it should be at 6 pm every night. Except when need arises. Example, we’re on vacation and the restaurant is still a bit away. That is not the only example, just one that came to mind at the time. My daughter and I, wash day was every Saturday. I got up early and did the yard while she slept. I had electric lawn mower and edger so I could without waking her. Then we had breakfast at 7am. Then laundry. Then we could do whatever we wanted the whole rest of the day. Maybe we went on a spur-of-the-moment road trip? Maybe a trip to the zoo? Maybe we just sat around and colored or played dolls? But we spent time together.

Hikes were one of her favorite things to do. We would stop by the market and pick up fresh bread and fruit. I’d grab us a juice or sparkling juice (they look like champagnes or wines) and we would hike through some park or forest till we found a good place to set and have lunch. I carried the bag because I am bigger and it is easier for me to tote the extra weight. But if she wanted to help I let her, till she got tired.

When she did good, which was more often than I imagined when I thought of having a child, I let her pick between a set of things when she was little. As she got older I let the choices expand until I was like, what would you like. When children are little it is harder for them to choose with infinite possibilities. Most adults I know have issue choosing something appropriate when there are no bonds set :P

Discipline… I spanked my daughter three times in her life. Yes, I spanked my daughter. One time I came in her room after she had been playing for a while and there was lipstick all over one wall. From the ground up to about three and a half feet. I stopped, looked at it and then her and asked, “who did that?” She replied, “I don’t know.” SO I told her to come here and we went over it again. Still, I don’t know. So I told her to stand with her nose in the corner and think about what she had done. I went to my room, leaving the door open so that I could hear her, and gave myself time to cool down. Not be angry. When a child has their nose in the corner a second can seem like a lifetime. So learn how to not be pissed as quickly as possible. This is not supposed to be torture.

I then told her to come here, look me in the eye and I asked, do you know why you are in trouble? She said because she had put red on the wall. “No sweetie.” Because you lied about putting lipstick on the wall.” (I still don’t know where she even got lipstick!) I asked if she knew that lying is wrong? She said yes. SO I asked why she lied. Eventually she told me that she didn’t want to get in trouble. SO I told her that I never told her that she couldn’t put lipstick on the wall. So even if I don’t like it, I can’t make her be in trouble for it. We would just have cleaned it together because if I didn’t give her permission to lipstick the walls then she shouldn’t do it. I know, do I have to give her permission for everything!?!?! NO. But, when children are little, the simpler the concept the easier it is to understand. Back to story…

So I told her that she was in trouble for lying and that she would get three swats for it. “Turn to the side.” And she did. “Hold on to my knee. And I popped her three times on the diaper. Not hard at all. Really just enough to make noise on the diaper. You would have thought I tried to kill her! But, she had never been spanked before. She had never been “in trouble” before. The act was more significant than the punishment itself. I held her for a while and comforted her. I told her that I didn’t like having to do that and that I hoped I would never have to again. When all was settled we cleaned the wall together and then she helped me make dinner.

I would never do anything, or allow anything to hurt my daughter. No matter how old she gets. She will always be daddy’s little princes.

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15 Dec 2020 18:06 #356937 by Wescli Wardest

Children…
Having children is a burden. A burden that you will love to scarify for every day! My thoughts, when I became a father, was “it’ was no longer about me. I still wanted to do stuff and buy toys; but, if it interfered with my ability to provide for or care for my child then NOPE!

The next generation is here. You brought them in to the world and you are responsible to and for them. It is no longer about you. That is why parents will sacrifice themselves to protect their new born baby that can’t survive without the parent. It’s not logical. It’s just how it is. :P

I am fortunate enough to not only have a child that grew up happy and healthy but I am also a grandparent or a beautiful little granddaughter. I have not gotten to see them as often as I would like because of Covid-19. But I talk to them regularly.

I am so proud of my daughter. She has taken to motherhood like a fish to water. And Talia, granddaughter, loves her to death. They are adorable. My daughter has also become quite the little parent. I feel good knowing that the lessons I taught her are carrying on to the next generation and that the crap I went through as a child, the cycle has been broken.

If you’re not ready to completely put another person before yourself, you may not be ready for children in my opinion.


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15 Dec 2020 18:23 #356938 by Wescli Wardest

Failures…

There are times you are going to fail your children. And it will hurt like nothing has ever hurt before.

My daughter had been having trouble reading. She wasn’t the greatest artist either but neither was Picaso! LOL

We were I the store one day and I asked her what something said. It was close and pretty easy to read but she leaned in and squinted and sounded out the words. But she kept adding sounds of letters that just weren’t there. So on the drive home I would ask her what different signs said. I know she can read but she struggled so much to figure some out. I asked her to describe what she was seeing and she said that the words were too far away and too blurry to read. I was like, “too blurry?”

So took her to get her eyes examined. Come to find out she was legally blind. And her eyesight had gotten so bad in her left eye that her brain just stopped trying to understand the signal coming from it. I felt horrible for not having noticed sooner. She got glasses and had to wear an eye patch over her right eye 30 minutes a day until her brain started picking up and using the signals coming from her left eye.

A day or so later, I still felt like a schmuck, I saw he looking in the mirror at herself. Closely examining her face, eyes lips. She didn’t even notice me. A few seconds later she came tearing out of the bathroom and asked if she had always looked like that. I said yes sweetie, you are a beautiful little girl. She went back into the bathroom and continued her examination.

I realized at that moment exactly what my inability to notice her problem had caused. She had no idea what the world actually looked like. What she looked like. What I looked like. And I cried. I failed my daughter.

Her eyesight is pretty good now. She can even wear contacts and both eyes work well. But I will never forget that my failure caused her years of loss. Years of struggling in school. Years of frustration. And I will never pass off something as something for some easily explain-away-able excuse. She doesn’t blame me and loves me. And I know I should forgive myself. It’s been over twenty years; but, some things are just not easy to let go.


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16 Dec 2020 13:12 #356955 by Wescli Wardest

I am now going to try to be more on topic with the original post… :P

What do you do when our child/children step out of line in public? I would say that first it starts in the home. If they are doing it in public then I feel safe betting that it happens at home. So by the time the child is out in public they have already learned that certain behaviors are acceptable, or at least they will get away with it.

For everyone that offended, first off it’s my opinion. Second, maybe self-reflection is the right response… not offense :P

That is not to say that children will never get excited and misbehave in public. To even suggest that would be ludicrous! But if/when the child does, a tone I your voice or a word from you should have the effect of reminding them of what is expected and that there will be consequences to their actions.

When my daughter would act out, she was never really bad just easily excitable, I would call her name in a stern (not angry, just firm) voice. Wait for her to look at me and we would hold eye contact for a couple of seconds. Just long enough for her to realize I am being serious. And I would tell, “That’s enough.”

That’s it! Will it work for you? I have no idea???

People often commented on how well behaved she was and what a good girl. And I think that is just as big of a help as anything. It promotes good behavior. Makes the child want to do good. I have always heard it takes a community to raise a child. And I believe that. So I also comment on how well other children behave.

Well, I guess that’s about it :P


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