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Anger lead to destruction |
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Written by thomas donald oxford
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Saturday, 06 February 2010 |
It is not easy for me to discuss my past as many terrible things was aaid and done but it is necesary for me to do so in order for people to understand how anger lead to the destruction of my life and how my piritual journey went from what we of the Jedi deem the Dark Side to following a Path of Light. I grew up in a physically abusive home..some of my earliest memories are that of running out of the house with my own blood dripping from my face...thankful that my mother had gotten between me and my drunk stepfather giving me the split second I needed to make my escape. After these episodes, I would often leave on the streets for weeks at a time sleeping wherever I could even if it meant sleeping in gravel parking lots or the nearby train station.For meals I often had to eat what was thrown out or what I begged for. Now for a teenager this is traumatic enough but to make it worse even by then we knew I had learning disiabilities although to this day there till has not been exact diganosis made of the extent of those disabilities. All I can say is they affected me in my yearning for love and acceptance. Even though I had family and friends I never really felt like they loved me or accepted me. During my teenage years, I found a group of people that I thought fulfilled these needs..it was a satanic cult full of anger,fear,and hatred. I overlooked these things because I mistakenly thought they offered me the love and acceptance I so desperately desired. After all, they gave me what I wanted as long as I did what they wanted...including being a personal slave to the High Priest.He manipulated me by calling it training to take over his position.After a time, I allowed myself to be brainwashed and fed into the negetative energy and activities that the cult had involved me in. I grew to be an uncaring person that was only concerned with his own selfish desires and didn't care how they affected others. I would get what I wanted either by tricking someone into giving it to me or just plan taking it from them. I was the kind of person that would of slit his own mother's throat just for looking at him the wrong way. I lived this way for a long time not realizing that through fear and anger was destroying my life. I had lot many relationships and trust of those who cared for me and truly was offering the love and acceptance that I so desired.It took two things for me to start running..the first of which was a horror beyond any I had ever known and as such i won't give much detail...I saw a newborn baby tortured and murdered by their own mother. This served to wake within me that the group didn't love or accept anyone,they only used them to fulfill their own needs for power and control. So I ran away from everything I knew and kept running for several years.The second thing was that I had lost everything even my own mother..i was truy alone...I could be in middle of a crowd and noone knew or cared that I was there.I had failed in my search for love and acceptance. During this time, I finally made my way to my grandfather that I had never known who took me into his home and spent alot of time with me. He followed traditional Native American beliefs and his loving action over a year finally won me over and started to make me realize that I had hurt many people in my life and that this was evil because my intention was to hurt them or take from them to meet my own needs not what was best for them. I learned many things from the short time before my grandfather died including what true love was and ethics. Thus I started my journey into the Path of Love and Light. I still have nightmares,flashbacks,an occasional urge to exert power over someone or something else using techniques I had learned and it is a constant struggle within myself to only allow myself to manifet Light. I can only compare it to having a monster or in Jedi terms having a Sith locked away inside of me. I have looked for along time throughout my spiritual journey for a way to slay the monster or deat this Sith and truly lay him to rest for my desires have changed and I no longer wish what I once did. Although I still look for love and acceptance,it i no longer with the intent of finding it at any cost or if it also won't benefit the other people involved for their own good.
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2010-02-0611:45:10 Thanks for sharing with us - many of us here dont believe in the force having a light or dark side - the force is the force - it is humans, their nature and acts/deeds/intentions that are light or dark - but I understand what you mean.
Likewise - when using terms such as 'sith' one needs to be careful - it is not necessarily the case that all 'sith' are bad people - likewise not all Jedi are good people - this is the point - were all people and all have the same wants, needs, desires etc as the next person.
So in simple terms - this is one of many of the key features that separate us, the real world Jediist from the roleplayers or fictional 'Jedi'
Hopefully in time, you will be able to put behind you your 'dark' era - Im not suggesting you forget it as such - but there is always something positive to be taken from any situation - the experience alone is educational ;)
Try to look at it this way - you at least saw for yourself what was wrong and walked away ;) Before any of us can hope to be forgiven - we have to try to learn to forgive ourselves. Much the same as love.
MTFBWY - A
2010-02-0613:13:29 I understand your reply…the term and phrase I choe to use was simplly the best way I could try to describe it with my limited understanding. I used the term sith particularly in regards to the movie verson of sith such as daarth maul is the particular image that come to mind when i discuss the type of person I was. No offense was meant to real life sith a I know that you cannot judge an entire group based on preconceptions or what a few do.I have made great strides toward putting my dark era as you deemed it fittingly behind me totally and perhap one day I will be at the point of it being nothing more than a memory.And I will never forget it for that is what keeps me motivated to be the best peron I can become and I did learn alot. One of the bigget lesons I learned from that was how to empathize with others who had been through similar traumatic experiences. And indeed I am proud that I did manage to see what was wrong and walked away…although I am still currently working on forgiving myself for the actions I performed during that era.
2010-02-0615:50:33 that is eerily similar to what i went through before finding the jedi path, like you my childhood was abusive, i tormented then killed animals just for fun and used their bodies as toys, ran away from home. i never encountered satanist, of course i never wanted to socialize with anyone. i hated nearly everyone…oddly enough it was one of the animals i was tormenting that "awakened" me to the existence of something greater then myself.
i spent years looking for answers when i found my first master. it's been nearly 21 years now and the "dark beast" still resides within me but i manage to keep it locked up…i've got past my history years ago, however i don't dare forget "those who forget the past are destined to repeat it"
2010-02-0702:46:42 thanks ryujin…it help knowing that at least one person understands the struggle that i live with…it is weird how it seems to be a trend that which hurts us the most eventually leads us to awakening or realization of something greater than ourselves.I'm pleaed to hear that you have managed to get past your history for that gives me hope that one day I can do so as well. And we must never forget what brings us to where we are and the lessons we have learned along the way